Ric Flair Wedding

Littly Ricky Flair's senoir picture. Unibrows were all the rage back then.

Yeeeeaaah. Get down there and suck it Dusty Rhoads. You turd eating bitch.

I attended the wedding reception of a couple friends this Saturday night. I had a bit too much to drink and ended up thinking I was The Nature Boy Ric Flair. For this I apologize to all that were exposed to me. The only thing I can think of to express my sincerest aplogies, is to say it in prose. A poem I call... I'm Sorry.

I am sorry
For the asses I slapped
And I am sorry
For the cheeks I may have chapped

I am sorry to you
whom I tried to Ric Flair
You had every right
to kick me straight in my pair

To my friend Predator
74 times I slapped your face
Now that I'm sober
I feel remorse and disgrace

To Quintuple L
Out of your hot tub the water did flow
Because I kept falling in backward
Like a tanked Jaques Cousteau

I am sorry to all
exposed to my drunken flamboyance
Free beer + Nick = train wreck of annoyance

There. I feel a bit better. Actually most people there were pretty smashed so I actually don't feel that remorseful. But I think I may have been a bit more out of control than most. But hey, a lot of crazy shit goes on at wedding receptions.

Ebert.... you horrible bitch.

You see the way I'm looking at you Siskel? Yeah, that's right. It's me... Ebert. And I'm gonna kill you.

I can see through you Ebert. You think you have everyone fooled. Think again, bitch. Yes, you have finally gotten to the pinnacle of American existence.... your own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. One question movie man. Where the fuck is Siskel. We know what was going on in your Ebert brain... "Siskel and Ebert, Siskel and Ebert. Why is Siskel always first!?!!? I'll tell you what Siskel. How does this sound? Ebert and Ebert. Ebert and Ebert you bastard!" We all know you didn't want his name taking presidence over yours. So you put him where he belonged. And we know where Siskel is, Ebert. We ALL know where he is. He's in his grave. Exactly where you put him. Sure, he had a "heart attack".... but only because you heart-attacked him. Now, I give you credit, Ebert. You left no traces. You have BTK type skills. But I see it. I see the deception. The lies. The facade you call innocence. But I say this to you, Ebert. You will pay. Maybe not tommorow. Maybe not next week. Possibly you won't even pay at all. But if it were up to me... you would nearly just about almost definately pay. What do you think of that shit. That's what I thought.

It's Thursday. That means....knock knock knockin' on the weekends do-oo-or, haigh... aigh.... aigh-aigh-yeah. (Axl style). When Bob Dylan wrote that song he knew eventually Axl Rose was going to rock the shit out of it. In prophecy it was written, and so it was done. Bless you Axl.

Here is a couple crazy news articles, a couple games, and a couple sites that you may want to check out. Or not. I don't care. I'm getting paid millions just to put this site up.

Yes officer, I realize that you just nearly arrested me for pissing in the alley a couple hours ago, and now I'm arguing with my reflection in the window of a bank.... but come on.... its Saturday night, man.

A 73 year old He-Man. What ya got to say now leopard... that's right, bitch, nothin. Cause by the power of greyskull I just ripped out your damn tongue.

"Listen Scorsese, this scene where I do it with two chicks... I feel it's missing something. I don't know... I don't know what exactly... but something. I've got it! A dildo and some cocaine!" Jack Nicholson will never die.

Wife - "Honey come eat dinner in the kitchen."
Husband - "No thanks dear, I think I'll just eat in the bedroom."
Wife - "Thats it you're getting fucking stabbed."

Rule number one of Celebrity Fight Club. Beat the crap out of the celebrity. Thats really the only rule. It's a fun little flash game. Good luck. This Batman game is pretty cool as well. Look at his giant man tits.

There are three new links in the Humor section over there. Sick Animation is just what it claims to be.. sick and wrong. But it's very funny if you enjoy that sort of thing.

And then..... remember that fucked up Quizno's commercial with the rodent things playing guitar and singing about the pepper bar? Rathergood.com is where that originally came from. This guy is disturbed, however, somehow very entertaining.

And then..... Uniquepeek.com is a collection of hundreds of funny and strange video clips and games and... basically a whole bunch of stuff. Kept me occupied for hours. I'm hungry.

Here are some links upon which you may click if you would enjoy some entertaining enjoyment.

"I only made love to the ewe twice using two condoms but I never do it regularly." Likely story buddy. I thought only the good ol' boys in Kentucky or Alabama liked sheep love. It has now spread to Africa.

Speaking of Kentucky..... this story reminds me of certain people from Hopkinton. Driving 90 through residential streets, being confronted about it and dragging the guy along while getting shot by him. Silly white trashians.

And then....... "He pushed the curry into my face and said "You batsard!" Thats what you get for being 81 and my mother. Information Technology must be very stessful in London. Notice at the top of the page it says "This Is Local London". Remind me not to go to London.

And then....... check out this video of Chubs Keneivel eating dirt after trying to take his Sledgehammer over a sweet jump. Make sure you have your sound on, its about 200% funnier that way. There is an ad for Adult Friend Finder at the top of that page so it's prolly not safe for work. Unless your boss likes boobies.

And then....... speaking of sweet jumps, check out these Napoleon Dynamite sound boards. They're awsome..... incredible.

No more and then. Oh wait, one more and then. I added links to Daily Confession and Snopes.com (Urban Legend Site) to the links section. What, can you think of a better place to put them?

No more and then.

SOLD OUT

Go ahead.... try not to bust a move.

Friends and colleauges, I present....... my favorite band. Led by Elvis Stamos with his partner Don Ho Tuxedo. Backing them up are the sultry and soothing sounds of the fake Christopher Walken and the Nursing Home Neanderthals. They are on a rocket ship straight to the top of the charts. You just wait.

Actually I did try to attend a concert this Friday but it wasn't for Elvis Stamos, but it was definately sold out. Me, Predator, and Quintuple L went to see Theory of a Deadman. (I'll give you the first 4 L's of Quintuple L. Little Larry Long Limbs. I cannot reveal the last L or he will most certainly kick my ass, anyway back to the concert.) The three of us find out that there is another concert outdoors at the same building. We decide to take a cab since finding parking would be not so much fun. So we spend 12 bucks on the cab and get dropped off in front of the bar. We walk up to the entrance and are greeted by a giant SOLD OUT sign. Great.

What the fuck do we do now. We didn't want to get another cab right away because we just paid to be dropped off here. We decide to walk down the street to this dive bar called Tornadoes. Mostly tatts and mullets in this place so we fit right in with our striped polo's and showered appearance. One thing worth mentioning did happen though. Predator was waiting for the bartender to get his pitcher and got to see her jiggle her naked boobie at the cook. Bonus.

After we finish the pitcher we head across the bridge to hit another bar. As soon as we get onto the bridge the mouth-watering smell of rotting fish and human poop assaults our nostrils. There are also swarms of moths aound the lights on the bridge. Not a very nice place. That doesn't stop the white trash fishermen though. Right about half way across there is a group of 3 or 4 dudes standing in the middle of a moth swarm casting their lines into the smelly water. Apparently they are trying to catch the elusive turd-eating bass that swims in these parts. Anyway we walk past Jethro and the gang and end up sitting on a park bench. I decide to call our friend Lance Hammerdown and Mrs. Hammerdown to see if he was anywhere near us to come pick us up so we wouldn't have to call another cab. He was on the complete opposite end of town but he came and got us anyway. Thanks Lance old friend.

When we get into Lance's SUV our friend Ted Danson and his girlfriend Sexy Britches are in there. Those two and Mrs. Hammerdown have strange looks on their faces as if someone had let loose a stank bomb of considerable stench. Ted is pretty famous for the potency of his ass gas and apparently had dropped one shortly before picking us up. The smell of Poop River had been so bad I couldn't smell a thing. I was very disappointed. Ted's farts are an experience.

Meet my wife, well not yet, but soon.

The 30 pack, aka The Best Chest

"You smell like a turd covered in burnt hair."

Not sure why I typed that but it's one of the best lines from Anchorman. Excellent.

Why did I put a picture of the blue shield up there? Because we are getting married in a canoe on the Maquoketa river tomorrow. It's going to be breathtaking. Remeber that song from Top Gun, Take My Breath Away, thats going to be playing as the Best Chest and I cement our love with wedding vows. Picture it...... I told you it was breathtaking.

On that note, check out the 40 Things Every Drunkard Should Do Before He Dies article from Drunkard Magazine. I'm not so sure about some of them but I thought it was pretty funny.

And then..... check out this news anchor chick farting on the air. She leans over a bit and just rips one but then gives an embarassed laugh. It's great.

And then..... I've posted a couple games sites this week that have a ton of games but a lot of them really suck ass. Games That Don't Suck took the best ones and put them together to ensure our enjoyment. Seal Bounce is easy and addictive. Just click once to start spinning the little bastard around and click again to release. My best so far is 396.24. Leave me a comment or something if you throw him higher. Moto-X is a fun one also.

I also added Drunkard Magazine and Games That Don't Suck over on the links list just because I love you.

I found another games site with over 1600 flash games. Hope you're bored :) I also added it to the links section, but only because I love you.

What day is it?

I had been out drinking Monday and Tuesday night. Wednesday at work was one of those days where you are fighting like mad not to put your head down and just let the sandman relieve you of terrible conciousness. So when I got home I went directly to Mr. Mattress. I fell asleep at about 5:30PM. I wake up and my alarm clock says 7:35. My body is telling me I have been asleep for a very long time and the sunlight outside looks very much like early morning sun. I start flipping out. I check my alarm clock at its set for 6:30 like always. Why didn't the fucker go off?!? I've been giving my neighbor a ride to work and we have to leave by 7:20 but I check my phone and she hasn't called. Maybe my clock is wrong. So I run out to the living room in my underwear and stare at the clock out there trying to make sense of things. It says 7:35 also. I'm standing there just staring at the clock in my boxers barely awake trying to decide if I'm still dreaming or if I accidentally did a bunch of really good drugs in my sleep and I see my brother sitting on the couch staring at me. I wonder why he's up this early. He says to me, "Nick what the hell are you doing?". At that moment somehow my mind starts to work and I realize its 7:35 PM and not AM. So I do the only thing I can think of and go back to bed. I've had about 11 hours of sleep. Anyone wanna go drinking tonight?

In Regard to Jacko

Whether he did or whether he didn't. I think we can all agree in telling the United States media to.................

yes 

Go ahead, try him. 

No comment. 

Even Einstein wants you to shut the fuck up.

Don't we all. 

It's delicious. 

Wise. 

Uncle Sam is good for something. 

Even he knows whats up. 

It's true. 

If boredem has gripped you by the ballsack and refuses to release... check out addictinggames.com, hours of flash and shockwave games guaranteed to at least take your mind off of your pathetic existance temporarily. I've also added a permanent link to it on the Links list. Go Hawks!.... what?

Monday morning. When God and Jesus decided on the 5 day work week back in the 1930's, they should have remembered what a bitch it is to roll out of bed. No work before noon on Mondays. If only I were in charge. Here's a joke.



Logic

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Rob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, I think that you have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

I was bored last night looking around on gorillamask.net and thought this flash game was kinda fun. Check it out if you so choose.

Black Knight

Here's another one that is simple but fun.....Kill the Zombies!

Have Another Smoke, Croaky

She was prolly much larger than this.

A call from this morning. I wish I could've recorded this lady's voice. She sounded like a warty toad who'd been smoking filterless Lucky Strikes one after the other for about 30 years. Needless to say I had a raging boner. Now I don't normally make fun of people who don't deserve it. This lady was both stupid and mean, so fuck her.


Troubleshooting with Kermit the Croaky Bitch - 6/8/05 8:24AM

Nickhead - Thank you for calling (company name) internet support center, my name is Nickhead, may I have your telephone number please...

Croaky Bitch - hahahahahahahaha. 555-855-5585.

I had no idea what was so funny but I'm pretty sure she was laughing at my pleasant polite voice when she knew damn well she was going to be a complete asshole bitch to me.

Nickhead - What can I help you with today Croaky Bitch?

Croaky Bitch - Well, my internet's been down for two days.

Nickhead - Well I'm sorry to hear about the trouble let me check your cable modem it should just take about half a minute.

Croaky Bitch - croak.. (it wasnt really a croak, more of a disgusted grunt)

Nickhead - well candy britches, your modem is online and is working fine but doesn't see that your computer is asking for the internet connection.

Croaky Bitch - (revving up her bitch engines ,prolly about 2nd gear) thats what they told me last time... and they did some special type thing there and it started working.

I checked the notes and yes the same thing was happening last time she called in. Modem online but seeing no customer computer. All they told her to do was shut down the computer and start it back up and she hung up on them.

Nickhead - well bitchtits, the modem is fine so there really isn't anything I can change here that would fix the problem but I'd be happy to help you troubleshoot things on the computer to try to fix this.

Croaky Bitch - well I'm kinda disabled I don't wanna do that....... (now I'm not one to make fun of disabled people, but seriously, if you're "able" enough to use a computer when the internet is working, why are you suddenly too handicapped to use a mouse when it's not.)

Nickhead - I understand but that's really all we can do, if I were to send a tech out all he would do is check the modem and I can see that it's working fine.

Croaky Bitch - how long would that take.

Nickhead - how long would what take.

Croaky Bitch - for you people to come fix my modem.

Nickhead - thats what I just explained to you ma'am (dumb shit), everything is fine on the cable end so our tech wouldn't have anything to fix, its a problem on the computer end.

Croaky Bitch - well I'll just call my computer guy and then.... then I'll just look for a new provider.

Nickhead - Like I said ma'am I'd be happy to help (click) ...you...trouble...shoot............... fucking bitch.

Toads should not be allowed to own computers.

Update - 6/14/05 2:38PM

This crazy lady has called in three times today and talked to some of my co-workers here and has had the EXACT SAME CONVERSATION with all three of them. Each time she says she's going to go to another provider. After she hangs up she must smoke another carton and change her mind and call us back to torture us a bit more. The last time she called in the tech said she was swearing obscenities at her husband and threw her router. God damn thats hot.

Bred for skills and magic, ladies and gentlemen I present to you the legendary liger.

For real.

Alien ManBirds Are Coming

Lieutenant ManBird of the 58th division.

I've been seeing a lot of birds lately. Seems like many more than normal. I was at the parents estate Saturday and they have a bunch of bird feeders and they were everywhere. We were outnumbered. I began to think if they were a bit more developed they could prolly take over the earth.

So last night I was standing outside with a friend and I saw this really bright star-type light in the sky flickering. Jokingly we were discussing if it were an alien ship and if there were life on other planets and what not. Then it came to me. We've all seen the movies where aliens attack. Martians, greys, giant insects... all bullshit. After my weekend with the birds I realize they would be an itelligent race of angry birds who developed opposable digits and learned to build things. And they hate humans. If they're out there........ we're fucked.

My Date With Saddam

No, YOU listen to ME, Larry!

I had a very strange dream last night. Somehow I was in Iraq at the Hussein family get-together. The neighborhood looked just like Hopkinton and I was suprised to see that it was being held in a ranch style house. Saddam was standing outside and on my way in I just nod to him and say, "Sir..". wtf. So after I get inside Saddams mother and grandmother and aunt are playing some strange card game with 7 decks of cards. I asked how to play and they were shocked that I didn't know how. They told me to go into the bedroom and ask Saddam how to play. Thats when I woke up. Thank God. Who knows what may have happened in that bedroom.

So.. I fall back asleep and suddenly I'm back in Iraq but I'm with a group of people and we are being followed by a camera crew. Saddam's son (not Uday or Qusay) was taking us to a chinese buffet. On the way in I'm talking to this girl about how strange it is that we are in a chinese buffet with Saddam's son and being taped by MTV. Then I woke up again. Just thought I'd share. Have a fanfuckingtastic weekend.

I was looking at the pic below of suited mullet and a phrase came to me. That phrase is "Ready For Action".

Since I was on the subject of mullets today, here is one of my favorite MMM's. Miscellaneous Mullet Men. 

Demolition Horse Derby - Don't Miss It

Ambrose E. Burnside. Does anyone else get the irony of his last name. Awesome.


HEY!..... I posted a couple more links over there. Over there on the right dummy. Yes, YOUR right. HAHA! I'm so not funny.

So.. my back feels worse today than it did yesterday. Why. If it doesn't feel at least 75% by this weekends' demolition horse derby I'm going to feel upset and hurt inside. Like a boy who thought his puppy got lost but later found out it just ran away because the boy was so damn annoying. What? Don't ask.

Enough whining about my pussy lower back. You may be asking yourself, "Nickhead, what on earth is a demolition horse derby?" Well, my friend, it's Hopkinton's big summer bash. It was once called Civil War Days and had a parade and was held at the historic Lennox College campus where they did lots of 19th century type things like candle making, bullet making, and this thing called the Fish Pond where kids would cast their 'fishing rod' (a stick with a string tied to it and a clothespin at the end) over a particle board wall where a lady would attach a small plastic piece of junk to the clothespin and then proceed to tug on the line. This is where things got good; the kid would then start violently jerking his rod trying to 'reel in' his worthless trinket and when the 'fish' finally gave up and let go the line would fly backward and the trinket would usually smack some kid in the face who was patiently (yeah right) waiting his/her turn. I loved the fish pond when I was little. No matter how silly or useless my 'catch' was I was still super excited to get it. Because I CAUGHT it! I had to fight this big middle age 'fish' behind the particle board for this tiny peice of crap and I WON. HAHA. And it only cost a quarter. (Oh, and if you're wondering what the Fish Pond game has to do with the Civil War or 19th century life.... the answer is nothing, nothing at all. But since when did 10 year old kids give a shit about history.)

Let me catch my breath after re-living the whole fish pond experience....ok I'm good now. So anyway Civil War Days ceased to exist a couple years ago. Lack of interest and too few people having to put the whole thing together did it in. So Hopkinton legend mullet-head Ricky decided to save us all by putting on a rodeo / go cart racing extraveganza on the first weekend in June when Civil War Days used to be held. About the only thing the same about these two events is that the new one is on the same weekend as the old one.

Civil War Days was great. The whole town had stuff going on and there were people everywhere. Dirty Civil War re-enacters were walking around in their wool uniforms in the 90 degree heat smelling up the place. The whole town felt historic and old for a couple days. Oh and I almost forgot the best part, the streets were paved in horse shit from all the horses in the parade. If you were lucky you actually got to see a horse pinch one during the parade. The very last parade I remember attending was a couple years ago and the horses were almost past and not ONE had dropped load and I was yelling at the last few, "SHIT YOU BITCH, SHIT!" (it's possible I had a few drinks). Well there was also a wagon drawn by one of the horses with some elderly lady on it to celebrate her 90th birthday or something and my friend Predator looks over and says to me, "Nick, you really shouldn't talk to her like that." Oh sweet memories.

The rodeo / racing event is completely different. Instead of being held at the historic landmark Lennox campus, its held in between the cemetary and the old IBP hog station where pigs would hang out and smell like shit for a while before they were picked up to meet their pig deaths and become delicious bacon. Ricky (who has gone bankrupt more than a few times) somehow raised the money to puchase that fine piece of real estate and build a go kart track there. The smelly Civil War re-enacters have been replaced with smelly mullet folk in Git 'er Dun T-shirts. But even though the scenery, tradition, and class are missing from the new Hopkinton bash, two things make this new event the obvious champion and winner.

1. Beer Tent
2. Live Music (Death Metal Country hopefully)

Yes, citizens of Hopkinton, we have finally made it in this society of humans. Last year was drunken funness beyond comprehention. The pool got broken into twice that weekend. Thats basically the ultimate rebel act in H-Town... jumping the pool fence.

So I just realized that I never answered the question above; what is a demolition horse derby. Well, I'm not quite sure. A couple people have asked me what I was doing this weekend and I said Hopkinton was having a rodeo/demolition derby. "At the same time?!?!" , they would ask, jokingly. But that got me thinking. How interesting would that be. It could be a few different things. Maybe they would get a group of pigs and horses drunk and let them run around loose smashing into each other until there was only one left standing. Maybe they would strap saddles to the top of demo cars to see how well mullet folk can hang on while the cars smash into each other. Wait, wait I've got it. They'll train miniature horses to drive demo cars and wear NASCAR t-shirts, then they'll blast "How Do Ya Like Me Now" by Toby Keith while they pulverize each other. I need to be mayor.