Terrorists Suck

Pieces of human splattered on a wall in London.

About 20 years ago I was taking my daily crap. Dropping turds like they were hot. I was just finishing up when I heard a splashing from the bowl below. To my shock and horror, a turd lept from the water and slid across the tile, leaving a streak of residue. The turd skidded to a stop and stood upright, shaking its turd head. It opened its eyes and looked up at me.

Turd - "Hi, I'm a terrorist."

Me - "What?! You're a turd. You shouldn't even be talking right now. How did you grow legs?"

Turd - "You can just not fucking worry about it. I'm a terrorist."

Me - "Ok fine. Somehow I can accept the fact that you are a walking talking poop chunk with the gift of vision, but why do you keep saying you're a terrorist?"

Turd - "Thats a stupid ass question. I'm a terrorist. That's just what I am, end of story."

So I look into the turd's eyes and I can't help but feel some fatherly connection to him. I mean, he came out of me. I gave poop birth to him. It's now my responsibility to raise him correctly. I decided to name him Stinky. I tried other names but, c'mon, he smelled like shit, what else could I name him. I raised him as if he were my son. Taught him how to throw a baseball, took him fishing, taught him math, educated him on the ways of the woman, all the tools a young lad needs.

Well the years rolled by as they always do. Time and space fucking us over. Before I knew it, little Stinky was graduating high school. He looked so distinguished in his little turd cap and turd gown. He had gotten a scholarship for an overseas university in the UK. We cried and hugged at the airport. I gave him a kiss on the cheek. Wiping the poop from my lips and a tear from my eye I watched him board the plane.

One year later, July 7, 2005. On the news I see the horrible pictures of the terrorist attack in London. I read the news articles about childrens faces being blown off and other terrible human suffering. How could someone do that to innocent people just trying to get to work. They don't make the policies of the world government. They aren't "infidels" in your precious fucking desert. I become disgusted. Then I start to panic. Stinky is in London at school! Oh dear God I hope he's ok.

Just then the phone rings. It's Stinky. He's alive and well. I'm so relieved my boy is safe.

Me - "Stinky, I'm so happy that you're ok."

Turd - "Yes, I'm fine. Dad... I have to tell you something."

Me - "Well what is it, son?"

Turd - "I was responsible for the attack today. I'm 3rd in command for the European al Qaeda."

Me - "What? No. This can't be. I raised you. I brought you up with the golden rule and taught you to love your neighbor. How could this happen?"

Turd - "I'm sorry Nick. But you knew from the beginning I was nothing but a piece of shit terrorist."

Click.


It's hard to make light of the bombings in London. But if I can't laugh at things, no matter how horrific, I might as well throw in the towel. The bottom line is terrorists are pieces of shit. And I hate them. Have a fantastic weekend.