Assphinchter says what?

Why does your face keep farting?

You know how some people can make a farting sound kinda between their cheek and their gums. I really can't explain exactly what I mean, and for that I apologize. On with the story.

This nice older lady recently signed up for our internet service and has been having issues learning the ropes. Since she signed up she has spoken with all of us here in support a couple times. She has affectionately been dubbed "fart face".

I don't know if its some form of Tourette's but she farts with her mouth. ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it's not so bad. After she says a sentence there will be a "fart...fart fart", and that will be it. Sometimes a mouth fart will slip out in mid-sentence in between words. "So where , fart, do I click, fart-fart, to get to the options, fart, screen? fart-fart-fart-fart-fart." Sometimes it's like an ass machine gun shooting out farts in rapid succession. It's kinda hard to listen to at 8am sharp and she's the first call of the day farting in your face for 20 minutes. But I don't hold it against her I'm sure she can't help it.

One customer who really sucks is someone that CAN help it. But she chooses to be a terrible annoying bastard. Gum Chewing Lady. This lady really needs to cancel her internet service because I have her address and if I have to hear her chomping that shit in my ear once more I'm going to her house and taking all her gum. And burning it. And I'm going to make her watch. I'll give you an example of a typical call with GCL.

Me - (Answering the phone and just about to do my stupid greeting.) Before I even get a word out I hear the terribleness.

GCL - "Chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp."

Me - Oh dear god.. why me. "Thank you for calling blah blah blah how may I help you?"

GCL - "Chomp chomp, yeah is your internet down again, chomp smack chomp chomp."

Me - Yes, the internet is down again. But only if the internet being down means you fucked up your password again for the 10th time this month and can't retype it correctly. Of course I don't actually say this. "No ma'am we are not having any outages or problems at this time, what error are you getting?"

GCL - "Well, chomp chomp, it's saying my password is wrong, chomp chomp chomp, and I know I haven't changed anything, chomp chomp, so why do you people keep putting up this error, chomp chomp chomp smack chomp bubble, its getting very frustrating, chomp."

Me - Ok listen up. First of all spit out the fucking gum or I am hanging up. Second, WE are not 'putting up errors' on your damn screen. It's your computer's job to remeber the password and its your computer that is displaying that error. Lastly, this is the TENTH TIME YOU'VE CALLED IN THIS MONTH, just retype the stupid password and you won't have to call in and terrorize me with your cud chewing bullshit. "Well I'm sorry ma'am but your computer seems to be corrupting the password again, have you tried retyping it?"

GCL - "Chomp chomp chomp, well no, why should I have to. I guess I can try that, chomp chomp. You guys should really get this fixed. Your company is really going down the tubes."

Me - Oh my god, fuck off.