Pass it to the left, Tate

Drew Tate asking the ref why his team was sucking so badly last Saturday at Ohio State.

The below article was clipped from the Manbeast Gazette, a newspaper in Hopkinton, Iowa.


Friday, September 30 -

The Fighting Illini of the University of Illinois travel to Kinnick Staduim tomorrow to face the Hawkeyes in the second Big Ten matchup for both teams. We got a chance to interview Drew Tate, the quarterback and centerpiece of the Hawkeye offense.

Gazette - Drew, last week the team took a beating against Ohio State. How has Coach Ferentz changed the game plan for tomorrows game?

Tate - More weed.

Gazette - Um... could you repeat that it sounded like you said.... more weed.

Tate - Yeah. Yeah thats what I said.

Gazette - Could you elaborate for us?

Tate - Well, last year I had, like, long hair, you know?

Gazette - Yes, ok. What does that have to do with your comment about weed.

Tate - What? Oh yeah, hehe. My bad, dude. hehe.

(30 seconds of silence)

Gazette - Drew?

Tate - AAhhhgh. Whoah..... settle down, dude. You scared me and shit. hehe. Oh, yeah, weed. Well I haven't been smoking a lot of pot this season, and coach thinks its time I go back to my normal game day dosage.

Gazette - And whats the normal dosage?

Tate - Well, um, like ten. Ten or fifteen.

Gazette - Ten or fifteen what.

Tate - Joints man! Duh. Like, last season I would have, like, 4 joints during pre-game warmups, do a giant water bong hit before kickoff, 3 more joints at halftime, and then at some point late third quarter I would smoke a bowl on the sidelines filtered through an oxygen mask.

Gazette - And this helped your performance?

Tate - Oh man, you have no idea, dude! Serious, look how shitty I played last week. Guess what.... I was stone sober, dude. Coach says he's got the stash ready for tomorrow. Just watch, I'll be so out of my melon that Illinois won't stand a chance, hehe.

Gazette - Well, whatever works Drew, good luck tomorrow.

Tate - With what. Oh yeah, dude! Football! I love football, man. Do you know who we are playing tomorrow?

Gazette - We wish you the best.

Update 10/3 - The Hawks won 35-7.