Put the joint down and slowly step away from the keyboard.

It's been a while since I've had an inner-net "rocket genius" call in. Luckily I just talked to a customer who should keep me satisfied for quite some time. This was a young guy who ended all his sentences like he was asking a question. You know, kinda like this. "Yeah? I'm having some problems? With my laptop?" Anyway you get the picture. Ready............ go.

Customer: Hi. Yeah. I've got this laptop? It won't get on the internet? You know, the high speed? I think it needs the secret code number. Do you have that?

Me: You are hooking a laptop to the cable internet, sir?

Customer: Yeah, but it won't work. I can get the colors? and the sound? and that stuff? but I can't get the the internet.

Me: So what happens when you try to open Internet Explorer.

Customer: Yeah.

(Silence)

Me: What happens when you open Internet Explorer?

Customer: Whats that?

Me: Well in order to get on the internet you have to open some kind of internet program or browser. Internet Explorer comes with windows. Are you using Windows sir?

Customer: Well this computer is brand new. It's expensive. (Somehow that seemed like a logical answer to the windows question.)

Me: Do you have your desktop up in front of you? With all the icons and the start button.

Customer: Yeah.

Me: Do you see an icon that looks like a blue "e" called Internet Explorer?

Customer: What's like, the abbreiver for it. (rocket geniuses use a different word for "abbreviation")

Me: It normally is not abbreviated it's usually spelled out.

Customer: Oh! I see it! It's a button? on my keyboard? it says IFN.

Me: I have no idea what that is. That's not it. This is on your desktop, you know, the tv-like screen with all the pictures on it. Do you see the start button?

Customer: Oh, well I'm not getting any picture right now.

Me: Your screen is totally black?

Customer: Yeah. (yes, although it may seem hard to believe, his computer was not even turned on)

Me: Sir, is your comptuer even turned on?

Customer: Well I think it might have to charge for a few days, if you could just give me the secret code number I think I could get it going. (I was not about to try to explain to him that no laptop has to charge for days at a time, I just desperately wanted to get off the call.)

Me: Sir, the high speed internet doesn't need a password to work. Once your computer is on just open Internet Explorer and it should display your homepage for you.

Customer: No password? Not even for the high speed?

Me: Was it asking you for a password?

Customer: Well no. But the internet wasn't working. (God damn it. If he wasn't even opening his fucking internet browser, how the fuck is his internet going to work, and even if the internet required a "secret code number", where the fuck was he going to type it in at if it wasn't even asking him for one. Sorry about the potty mouthing. But that felt good.)

Me: Well, once you computer is charged and turned on, just open up Internet Explorer.

Customer: Ok, I'll just let this thing charge for a couple days or so and then I should be able to get it running. (yes, I'm sure you'll do just fine on your own, my friend)