Cinco de Mayo
Happy Cinco de Mayo hombres! Most Americans think Cinco de Mayo is the Mexican independence day. WRONG, BITCHES. Mexico declared it's independence 52 years earlier in 1810. It's really a good thing I'm here to set you straight so that when you are getting shitfaced on Corona tonight you will be doing it with a corrected sense of history.
Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of the Mexican victory over Napoleon III and the French in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. Why were the French in Mexico? Good question young student, now shut the fuck up and keep listening. France, Spain, and the English claimed that Mexico owed them a buttload of money and Mexico was broke after their own civil war and the Mexican - American war. Mexico offered to pay in installments but was denied. So all three of them came to Mexico to collect but Spain and England went home after about a month. Napoleon decided to stay (he was a douchebag) and take over to get some influence in the America's. He was also planning on a quick victory to have a base from which to aide the Confederate Army in the American Civil War.
On May 5, 1862 the French army of between 5 and 6 thousand troops marched toward Mexico City to face a Mexican army of only about 4 thousand, many of which were from native tribes and armed only with machetes. By the end of the day the Mexican army had killed over 1000 of the French and forced a retreat. The French eventually sent 30,000 troops to Mexico and took control in 1864. Shortly after that the American civil war ended and with supplies and ammunition supplied from the US, Mexico defeated the smelly French in 1867.
So, why should the US care? Because. Because that battle on May 5th prevented the quick victory Napoleon was counting on. If that butthole would have won that day, he would have started pumping money and supplies to the Confederates and may have changed the outcome of our civil war. So before you pass out tonight take a moment to think of what it would be like today if Cletus and the slave owners had won. Thanks Mexico. We salute you. Now where's the tequila?
I almost forgot. Mexico had a secret weapon just in case the French won. Feast your eyes.
Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of the Mexican victory over Napoleon III and the French in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. Why were the French in Mexico? Good question young student, now shut the fuck up and keep listening. France, Spain, and the English claimed that Mexico owed them a buttload of money and Mexico was broke after their own civil war and the Mexican - American war. Mexico offered to pay in installments but was denied. So all three of them came to Mexico to collect but Spain and England went home after about a month. Napoleon decided to stay (he was a douchebag) and take over to get some influence in the America's. He was also planning on a quick victory to have a base from which to aide the Confederate Army in the American Civil War.
On May 5, 1862 the French army of between 5 and 6 thousand troops marched toward Mexico City to face a Mexican army of only about 4 thousand, many of which were from native tribes and armed only with machetes. By the end of the day the Mexican army had killed over 1000 of the French and forced a retreat. The French eventually sent 30,000 troops to Mexico and took control in 1864. Shortly after that the American civil war ended and with supplies and ammunition supplied from the US, Mexico defeated the smelly French in 1867.
So, why should the US care? Because. Because that battle on May 5th prevented the quick victory Napoleon was counting on. If that butthole would have won that day, he would have started pumping money and supplies to the Confederates and may have changed the outcome of our civil war. So before you pass out tonight take a moment to think of what it would be like today if Cletus and the slave owners had won. Thanks Mexico. We salute you. Now where's the tequila?
I almost forgot. Mexico had a secret weapon just in case the French won. Feast your eyes.
posted by Nick at 9:57 AM
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