Coaching is Stressful

Coaching has taken its toll on our good friend Kirk Ferentz. I was watching a press conference the other week and noticed something quite disturbing. He seemed to have no lips whatsoever. I began to wonder, did he ever have lips? If so, where did they go? Were they stolen? Did some deranged fan drug him at a team meal and sneak into his bedroom and cut them off so he could display them above his fireplace as some strange voodoo shirne? I began to picture coach Ferentz in my head walking up and down the sidelines chomping ferociously on his gum. Then the answer came to me. Coach ate his lips. Thats right, you heard it here first. Look below at a photo from a couple years ago.

See? He has lips. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't consider them "full" lips, but they are there. Now lets take a look at a more recent photo.

Notice a difference? Well I do, damn it. This photo might be from last year because there are still some remnants left of what used to be his lips. The face I saw the other week at that press conference was devoid of lips. Gone. Never to be seen again. Rumor has it that when Coach Ferentz showed up at spring workouts, quarterback Drew Tate (high as hell, as normal) said to him, "Whoah..... coach. What happened to your lips, dude?" Coach, with his usual direct attitude, replied, "I ate them, Drew. They were delicious." Ok, maybe I made that part up, but I probably didn't.

I say to you, Coach Ferentz, go ahead and eat your lips. It seems to be working. The smaller your lips get, the better the Hawks seem to do. Now, I don't condone self-cannabalism, don't misunderstand. Imagine the horror of a thousand high school football coaches trying to eat their own faces just to get a taste of the Ferentz magic. It gives me chills. Well, not really, but whatever.

Say your prayers, Michigan. The last thing you'll see tomorrow will be the lipless face of victory staring down at you.