The Legend of Captain Piss Beard

Skull and Piss Bones.

The captain of the mighty vessel stood with sweat dripping from his brow and urine dripping from his beard. It had happened again. The distinguished captain had been draining the lizard and had peed all over his hands. Although he knew the right thing to do was to wash his hands before returning to work, he did what he always did. Wiped his pissy hands in his beard. And so goes the legend of Captain Piss Beard.

As far as I know there was no real Captain Piss Beard. But if there was a real Captain Piss Beard, I work with his great grandson. Let me explain.

My co-worker and I have an issue with someone who we call Captain Piss Beard. The story began at least a year ago. I was in one of the stalls in the bathroom pinching a loaf, when I heard someone come in and begin to use one of the urnials. When the person was finished I hear him dispensing some paper towels and then walking out of the bathroom. I heard no water running, no soap thingy making noise, just the paper towel dispenser. What the fuck. A few months later I was doing the business in one of the stalls and experienced the same thing. Now logic will tell us that if you are dispensing paper towels you are typically wiping something off of your hands. Since he went directly from the urinal to the paper towel, I assume that "something" is piss. Gross.

Fast forward to months later. Somehow the issue of bathroom use at work came up and I told the story of the phantom pisser to a couple of my co-workers. One of them experienced the same horrible act numerous times and knew who the guy was. It was this goofy looking bastard with a beard who steers his body with his head when he walks. He also has one of those necklace-for-your-eyeglasses around his neck all the time. Who wears those? Is he so forgetful that if is glasses aren't constantly attached to his head he will lose them? I mean I've never seen him wearing the damn things. I just see him walking around like big pissy moron with his glasses dangling and bouncing around. Maybe it's a fashon statement. Anyway, we hate him. He walks around the building contaminating things with his pissy hands.

One day I decided to give Piss Beard the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was just a really fast hands washer and when he was done pissing he sprinted to the sink, quickly washing his hands before the urinal was done flushing and I just didn't hear it. I brought this theory to my co-worker and he said to me, "Nick, I though of the same thing. After he left I checked the sinks and guess what. The sinks were dry." Piss Beard was officially busted.

No guy washes his hands every single time he takes a wizz. I understand this. But I like to think most guys will wash when they are at work, touching public things, shaking hands, etc. While taking dumps at work I have heard guys use the urinal and just walk out without washing. Thats not right. I don't want you touching your dick and then touching the bathroom door or the water fountain, or anything else. You might as well just walk around with your wanker hanging out all day, rubbing it on things as you pass by. As disgusting as that is, Piss Beard takes it a step further. He actually needs to wipe something off with paper towels. I'm convinced it's gotta be piss.

You'll pay, Captain Piss Beard. I'm not sure how or when, but someday you'll be forced to walk your own urine soaked plank.

UPDATE: I've been officially inducted as a charter member of the Office Poop Club over at Thought Nuggets. Thanks NuggetMaven!