My Week in Jail - Days 5, 6, and 7

My time is served, bitch. YAY!!!! Eat it Linn County, yeah, eat that shit. I think I've already begun to block out most of what went on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. One thing did happen last night though and I thought I was going to get my ass beat with only 12 hours left to go. We were watching the Bears playoff game against the Panthers and there were a couple of guys who are big Bears fans, Mr. Abs and Red Goatee Guy. This black guy named Dee had been cheering against the Bears the whole time simply to aggrivate those two guys. I was half asleep in my bunk at the end of the game when Dee starts going nuts. The Bears had just lost. Here is my best representation of the next few minutes.

Dee - "Yeah! That's right muthafuckas! Fuck the Bears! Fuck the Bears! Muthafuckas got their ass beat! Damn right! Fuck the Bears! The Bears suck! They fuckin' suck! The Bears ain't shit! Fuck the Bears!"

Mr. Abs - (Calmly) "We heard you the first time, Dee."

Dee - "Fuck you muthafucka! Fuckin' talkin shit all day! Fuck the Bears muthafucka! Fuck you! Cry baby muthafucka!"

Red Goatee Guy - "Yeah he was saying fuck the Redskins yesterday too."

Dee walks over to this guy and gets in his face - "Fuck you you ugly ass muthafucka! You wanna shut me up? I'm a grown ass man! I can say what I want! You better punch me in my mouth if you wanna shut me up, bitch! What! Fuck the Bears! Fuck the Redskins too! Fuck all you muthafuckas. You need to respect this shit! Shit, I'm a grown ass man. You better punch me in my mouth! Bitch ass muthafucka! Why is there muthafuckas sleepin up in this bitch."

Dee then walks over to the guy in the corner bunk and starts shaking his bed. "Wake up muthafucka! It's on in this bitch! Fuck the Bears!"

Then this other guy sitting at one of the tables says "You better wake this guy up too." I had my head down on my mattress at this point but can only assume he means me. Sure enough crazy ass Dee walks over to my bunk and starts shaking the shit out of it. "Wake up muthafucka! Get yo tired ass up! It's goin down in here!" I just rolled over and smiled at him and he left me alone. He calmed down shortly after that. For a few minutes I thought I was going to see a jail room brawl, though, and it wasn't very much fun.

Other than Dee going insane the rest of the time was pretty boring. There were a couple pieces of conversation that I overheard after lights out that need documenting, though.

Saturday night the three black dudes stayed up until about 3AM talking about shit. I was asleep the whole time but woke up at one point because they were all laughing hysterically. The only part I caught was something about fucking a handicapped midget.

Sunday after lights out I overheard this gem.

Piss test guy - "Yeah if I wouldn't have punched my old lady we'd prolly still be together."

Acne face guy - "You punched her? Man I coulnd't do that. Can't bring myself to hit a woman. I choked a bitch a couple times, yeah. But I just can't hit em."

Ol' Dirty Bastard look-alike - "Yeah I only hit my bitch one time. The bitch hit me in the face with a frying pan. I punched her right in the head. Blaou! Knocked her ass out. Had to wake her up with some cold water. The bitch deserved it though. You can't be goin after no nigga with a frying pan."

Acne face guy - "Man you punched her in the head? I mean I guess if she hit you with a frying pan, but, I still just don't think I could do it."

Ol' Dirty - "What you mean? You over there chokin' bitches. What's the difference?"

Acne face - "Well I did'nt 'choke her' choke her. Just like to hold her down. To calm her down and shit."

Nice, huh.

Piss test guy is missing a couple teeth due to fighting and meth use. The last thing I overheard before falling asleep on my last night was this.

Ol' Dirty (talking to the guy in the bunk next to him) - "That dude's toof didn't fall out. That dude smoked his toof. He took out his toof, put it in a pipe and smoked it."

My week in jail sucked ass. But it did scare the shit out of me and made me never want to drink and drive again. Talking to guys who are in there 30, 60, 90, or 180 days and thinking about having to stay there that long really freaked me out. One night I was laying there not able to sleep and thought, what if instead of getting pulled over that night someone would have pulled out in front of me or if a pedestrian would have been walking on the road that I didn't see and what my life would be like with a vehicular homicide. No more county jail. More like 10-20 in the state prison. Not to mention the immense guilt of knowing you killed someone, which you would get to think about every day in the pen while trying not to end up a man-bitch. Basically I'm saying I got off extremely lucky, and although I recognized that fact already, being in jail made it more real for me. So to anyone out there who is in the habit of driving home from the bar on the weekend like I was, just know that even though you may be fine to drive, you're not legal, and if you hit someone, even if it's not your fault, you're in deep shit. Hopefully you won't have to spend a week in jail to realize it.