The NBA has no future.

What's up with professional basketball players now days? I just read this article about Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin. Apparently he was drunk and masturbating to porn on his dashboard DVD player while driving his Escalade and smashed into a parked car. As you can tell from the picture in the article it was a bit more than a fender bender. It's disgraceful. If things like this keep happening the future of the NBA looks very bleak indeed. The NBA players of the past would never do something like this. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that the NBA greats of yesteryear didn't get drunk and drive or get their freak on while driving. I'm saying they wouldn't wreck the car and get caught. Let's review some of the great things accomplished by athletes who actually had some respect for the game.

Aren't they cute.

Manute Bol - This 7'7" African once used 5'3" Mugsey Bogues as a strap-on to satisfy his wife while high on "the cocaine" and driving his 1988 Chevy Suburban from the back seat. Did anyone ever print an article about that? Of course not, he was a professional.

Lookin' fine, Larry.

Larry Bird - The kid from French Lick, Indiana did some licking of his own back in the day. Back in 1986 he performed oral sex on a dyslexic female black bear after a three day binge on Busch heavy while piloting a Cessna airplane with his genitals. Perfect landing. No cops. He had game.

Royalty.

Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain - One of the best ever to play the game, he was also very well known for his bedroom exploits. He didn't always keep his sexual antics in the house, however. In his autobiography he writes that once a year he would take a drive in his custom Jaguar while doing speedballs and finger-blasting three midget bodybuilders all while doing his taxes. "That was just my tax-time ritual.", he said. That's some class, my friends.

Make a path, bitch.

Charles Barkley - "The Round Mound of Rebounds" was arrested in 1997 for throwing an annoying heckler through a plate glass window at a dance club in Orlando and was charged with aggravated battery. When asked if he had any regrets about the incident he was quoted as saying, "I regret we weren't on a higher floor." This actually happened and although Sir Charles got caught and although it may have caused some embarrassment for the NBA, at least he wasn't caught jerking off.