Media Day

Here are a couple random pics from ilovebacon.com.


This kid has super-human pee strengft.

If I ever lose a limb, I'm getting it fixed at Stubbs.

Porno spam of the day goes to........ Sender: Delbert Benson..... Subject: Cupid's Toothpaste Sprinkled on Her Pussy. Even fictional holiday characters need to have good oral hygiene.

For the past couple weeks I've been saving links to some good video on various sites strewn across the vast world wide web. Let's party.

#1. Gorilla Mask has an episode collection of the Ambiguously Gay Duo from Saturday Night Live. Also from that site, a clip from Robot Chicken where Donkey Kong gets whats coming to him. And one more from the Gorilla, a collection of wanna-be stuntmen, aka, a video clip of people falling of skateboards/bikes/whatever.

#2. Mitch Hedberg was a comedian who recently died of heart failure at a young age. He has some great one liners. Here is a collection of various stuff he did. Check out the Comedy Central clips of his stand up. Also from that site is a collection of Nick Burns - Your Company's Computer Guy from SNL.

#3. I don't even remeber how I found this. Puberty Pals.

#4. I've been watching Joe Cartoon for years. Here is his page at Atom Films.

#5. Albino Blacksheep has some great stuff. Here is a verse of Stairway to Heaven played in reverse, kinda freaky. And then..... here is a prank phone call featuring clips of Ahhnold from various films. Very funny.

#6. From Ebaumsworld, the Village People are hilarious. Check out this video, you won't be sorry.

#7. This clip from Japanese TV is one of the strangest things I've ever seen.

#8. I have no explanation for this, but for some reason I watched it for a while.

#9. Bizarrevideogames.net - Just what you'd think, a collection of weird-ass online games.

Coaching is Stressful

Coaching has taken its toll on our good friend Kirk Ferentz. I was watching a press conference the other week and noticed something quite disturbing. He seemed to have no lips whatsoever. I began to wonder, did he ever have lips? If so, where did they go? Were they stolen? Did some deranged fan drug him at a team meal and sneak into his bedroom and cut them off so he could display them above his fireplace as some strange voodoo shirne? I began to picture coach Ferentz in my head walking up and down the sidelines chomping ferociously on his gum. Then the answer came to me. Coach ate his lips. Thats right, you heard it here first. Look below at a photo from a couple years ago.

See? He has lips. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't consider them "full" lips, but they are there. Now lets take a look at a more recent photo.

Notice a difference? Well I do, damn it. This photo might be from last year because there are still some remnants left of what used to be his lips. The face I saw the other week at that press conference was devoid of lips. Gone. Never to be seen again. Rumor has it that when Coach Ferentz showed up at spring workouts, quarterback Drew Tate (high as hell, as normal) said to him, "Whoah..... coach. What happened to your lips, dude?" Coach, with his usual direct attitude, replied, "I ate them, Drew. They were delicious." Ok, maybe I made that part up, but I probably didn't.

I say to you, Coach Ferentz, go ahead and eat your lips. It seems to be working. The smaller your lips get, the better the Hawks seem to do. Now, I don't condone self-cannabalism, don't misunderstand. Imagine the horror of a thousand high school football coaches trying to eat their own faces just to get a taste of the Ferentz magic. It gives me chills. Well, not really, but whatever.

Say your prayers, Michigan. The last thing you'll see tomorrow will be the lipless face of victory staring down at you.

Read This.

Buttsex and poop. For Serious.

Tucker Max.

Craig's List.

The Legend of Captain Piss Beard

Skull and Piss Bones.

The captain of the mighty vessel stood with sweat dripping from his brow and urine dripping from his beard. It had happened again. The distinguished captain had been draining the lizard and had peed all over his hands. Although he knew the right thing to do was to wash his hands before returning to work, he did what he always did. Wiped his pissy hands in his beard. And so goes the legend of Captain Piss Beard.

As far as I know there was no real Captain Piss Beard. But if there was a real Captain Piss Beard, I work with his great grandson. Let me explain.

My co-worker and I have an issue with someone who we call Captain Piss Beard. The story began at least a year ago. I was in one of the stalls in the bathroom pinching a loaf, when I heard someone come in and begin to use one of the urnials. When the person was finished I hear him dispensing some paper towels and then walking out of the bathroom. I heard no water running, no soap thingy making noise, just the paper towel dispenser. What the fuck. A few months later I was doing the business in one of the stalls and experienced the same thing. Now logic will tell us that if you are dispensing paper towels you are typically wiping something off of your hands. Since he went directly from the urinal to the paper towel, I assume that "something" is piss. Gross.

Fast forward to months later. Somehow the issue of bathroom use at work came up and I told the story of the phantom pisser to a couple of my co-workers. One of them experienced the same horrible act numerous times and knew who the guy was. It was this goofy looking bastard with a beard who steers his body with his head when he walks. He also has one of those necklace-for-your-eyeglasses around his neck all the time. Who wears those? Is he so forgetful that if is glasses aren't constantly attached to his head he will lose them? I mean I've never seen him wearing the damn things. I just see him walking around like big pissy moron with his glasses dangling and bouncing around. Maybe it's a fashon statement. Anyway, we hate him. He walks around the building contaminating things with his pissy hands.

One day I decided to give Piss Beard the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was just a really fast hands washer and when he was done pissing he sprinted to the sink, quickly washing his hands before the urinal was done flushing and I just didn't hear it. I brought this theory to my co-worker and he said to me, "Nick, I though of the same thing. After he left I checked the sinks and guess what. The sinks were dry." Piss Beard was officially busted.

No guy washes his hands every single time he takes a wizz. I understand this. But I like to think most guys will wash when they are at work, touching public things, shaking hands, etc. While taking dumps at work I have heard guys use the urinal and just walk out without washing. Thats not right. I don't want you touching your dick and then touching the bathroom door or the water fountain, or anything else. You might as well just walk around with your wanker hanging out all day, rubbing it on things as you pass by. As disgusting as that is, Piss Beard takes it a step further. He actually needs to wipe something off with paper towels. I'm convinced it's gotta be piss.

You'll pay, Captain Piss Beard. I'm not sure how or when, but someday you'll be forced to walk your own urine soaked plank.

UPDATE: I've been officially inducted as a charter member of the Office Poop Club over at Thought Nuggets. Thanks NuggetMaven!

Holy Ass Napkins Batman, links!

My name is Jim. I'm hiding behind my flamboyant mustache to conceal my constant craving for hot German buttsex (the gay kind).


Of course, I kid. I'm sure Jim is a very nice man. But I just can't shake the feeling that he's a flamer and with his wide-eyed, fruity stare is trying to hypnotize me into joining the gay orgy he is planning. Maybe it's just me. You can find Jim and his colleagues at the World Beard Championships website. Beardy McBearderton watch out. These guys have some serious face pubes.

And then..... Beerlooterdude.net. Some seriously funny photoshops of the guy looting Heiniken after Katrina. Make sure to click on Pictures and check out number 18, number 22, nubmer 28, possibly the best one number 39, and number 43.

And then.... in response to some of the retardedness coming out of the mouths of Kanye West and Louie Farrakhan, here is a link to an article written by the highest ranking African American in the Texas state government regarding Katrina. He took some time out of his busy day job blowing up levees to write it.

And then.... Zug.com is a comedy site. Check out the Pranks section. Remember Olestra? It was that stuff they were putting in potato chips to make them fat free. You may remember it by it's disclaimer: may cause anal leakage. This guy ate nothing but Olestra chips for a week to test that disclaimer. I also recommend the Penis Prank, the Viagra Prank, and the Credit Card Pranks.

And then.... Rock. Paper. Saddam. What? You've never heard of pen missile?

And then.... A new addition to Steve, Don't Eat It! Silkworm Pupas in a can. Who knew?

And then.... Ugly Zoo. A collection of different animals and/or humans photoshopped together. Some funny, some distrubing. Most the latter.

And then.... the typical everyday news story where a cop gets "pelted with fried chicken, soda pop and human fists" from a 61 year old lady during a traffic stop. "The warrant says she threw a plate of chicken wings at the officer, hit him in the neck with a Coke bottle, then punched him in the face." Well at least he was punched with "human fists".

And then.... If you decide to start a career as a car jacker, it might be a good idea to learn to drive stick.

And then.... A link sent to me from Predator. An American teaching in Japan tells his story of their fondness of a game called Kancho. Silly fuckin Japanese.

And then.... A 76 year old man shoots his neighbor 8 times while chasing him through a game of lawn bowling for playing his music too loud. He says to one of the lawn bowlers, "I'm 76 and the gun has jammed." Well sir, I'm 27 and you're fucking insane.

And then.... "He was caught with his pants down, having sexual intercourse with the goat". Silly South Africans.

No more and then for now. More and then to come later. Drew Tate is high and is going to go nuckin futs on the Boilermakers today. Yes, for serious.

Look what I found in my Spam!

FREE SAMPLES!!! FUCK YES!!


I love spam emails. They are so creative. Here are a few that showed up in my inbox just today.

Sent to me from my good buddy Sanctioning S. Tablespoonfuls was an email with the subject "Hot Mature Woman and Guy Hardcore."

From your friend and mine Violence D. Meatball was a nice email letting me know of "Asian Slut Get Hardcore Doggystyle Fucked Movies."

Also Unlatched E. Fishtailing dropped me a line letting me know about "Outdoor Cumfest". Much better than the indoor variety.

And no day would be complete without a note from my best buddy Telepathy G. Walrus. Thank goodness he notified me of "Female Female Male 3some Lesbian Fucking Sucking Cumshot Movies." He knows I hate being left out of the loop.

Now luckily almost all of these get sent to my bulk folder in Yahoo mail. But today one showed up in my inbox regarding the second mortgage for which I have been approved, apparently for the house I don't own. The first part was the standard spam bullshit about my loan being approved and I just needed to click this link and blah blah. The interesting part was at the end of the email after the fake sender signed off "Sincerely, Rufus". There was a paragraph of the most hilarious nonsense I had ever seen. Here it is.

determine name douglass ultimatum, diethylstilbestrol addison aye smudge skid mcgrath!acquiescent dowry, florida micron shut suburbia,who'll smooch gradient glom; columbine.kit plaque bewail! asynchrony suspect stagnate? barnes cocky? aggressive chancellor goliath.dispel aren't. beryl franz breeches omniscient bank buck. somal beset workforce.enid. tug needy boundary! jumbo, sepulchral tabloid: peddle. clap c urbanealbuquerque bridgetown convert eggshell differ torsion alumina pitilessly schoolteacher dire reduce! brock vocatemayflower tremble snug!

Isn't that great! Now let's take a look at it again, but with some adjustments by Nickhead Manbeast.

Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the ring, checking in at 6 foot 4 and 280lbs, "You better shut your face or you'll get the fist", douglass ultimatum! And his opponent, hailing from Boweltown, NY, "The Sultan of Stink", smudge skid mcgrath!

When the cold of the night creeps in, and there is no where to run, no one to turn to. I wonder to myself, who'll smooch gradient gloom? Columbine. Columbine will. My mind can now rest at ease. kit plaque bewail!

The rest of the nonsense paragraph I believe is a condensed version of the Spammers Bible. I have expanded it for everyone so, please, enjoy.

Will the asychrony of the suspect stagnate? That is the question. For the answer we shall ask the ever cocky Barnes. What say you cocky Barnes? "barnes cocky? Hell yes I'm cocky. I'm Barnes, bitch. I'm like agressive chancellor golliath up in this motherfucker. Believe that."
Barnes I do not trust thee. I shall go to the all-knowhing. The omniscient bank buck. Oh powerful bank buck, what is the answer we seek?
"Behold! It is I, omniscient bank buck! Ye shall go forth and beset the workforce by tugging at the needy boundary. This shall create a jumbo sepulchral tabloid, and the people will peddle and clap throughout the night. Then, at daybreak, the people will travel to albuquerque,... bridgetown in fact. Once in Bridgetown, the people shall convert eggshell using massive torsion until it shall no longer differ from alumina. With the alumina they shall form a paddle. Then the people will find a schoolteacher. The people will then pitilessly spank the schoolteacher whilst shouting, dire reduce! That is your answer. I leave you only with this my people, vocate mayflower tremble snug. Yes, that is right, vocate mayflower tremble snug. The omniscient bank buck has spoken."

Don't just trash your spam people. There are nuggets of wisdom hidden in the layers of bullshit.