Look what I found in my Spam!

FREE SAMPLES!!! FUCK YES!!


I love spam emails. They are so creative. Here are a few that showed up in my inbox just today.

Sent to me from my good buddy Sanctioning S. Tablespoonfuls was an email with the subject "Hot Mature Woman and Guy Hardcore."

From your friend and mine Violence D. Meatball was a nice email letting me know of "Asian Slut Get Hardcore Doggystyle Fucked Movies."

Also Unlatched E. Fishtailing dropped me a line letting me know about "Outdoor Cumfest". Much better than the indoor variety.

And no day would be complete without a note from my best buddy Telepathy G. Walrus. Thank goodness he notified me of "Female Female Male 3some Lesbian Fucking Sucking Cumshot Movies." He knows I hate being left out of the loop.

Now luckily almost all of these get sent to my bulk folder in Yahoo mail. But today one showed up in my inbox regarding the second mortgage for which I have been approved, apparently for the house I don't own. The first part was the standard spam bullshit about my loan being approved and I just needed to click this link and blah blah. The interesting part was at the end of the email after the fake sender signed off "Sincerely, Rufus". There was a paragraph of the most hilarious nonsense I had ever seen. Here it is.

determine name douglass ultimatum, diethylstilbestrol addison aye smudge skid mcgrath!acquiescent dowry, florida micron shut suburbia,who'll smooch gradient glom; columbine.kit plaque bewail! asynchrony suspect stagnate? barnes cocky? aggressive chancellor goliath.dispel aren't. beryl franz breeches omniscient bank buck. somal beset workforce.enid. tug needy boundary! jumbo, sepulchral tabloid: peddle. clap c urbanealbuquerque bridgetown convert eggshell differ torsion alumina pitilessly schoolteacher dire reduce! brock vocatemayflower tremble snug!

Isn't that great! Now let's take a look at it again, but with some adjustments by Nickhead Manbeast.

Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the ring, checking in at 6 foot 4 and 280lbs, "You better shut your face or you'll get the fist", douglass ultimatum! And his opponent, hailing from Boweltown, NY, "The Sultan of Stink", smudge skid mcgrath!

When the cold of the night creeps in, and there is no where to run, no one to turn to. I wonder to myself, who'll smooch gradient gloom? Columbine. Columbine will. My mind can now rest at ease. kit plaque bewail!

The rest of the nonsense paragraph I believe is a condensed version of the Spammers Bible. I have expanded it for everyone so, please, enjoy.

Will the asychrony of the suspect stagnate? That is the question. For the answer we shall ask the ever cocky Barnes. What say you cocky Barnes? "barnes cocky? Hell yes I'm cocky. I'm Barnes, bitch. I'm like agressive chancellor golliath up in this motherfucker. Believe that."
Barnes I do not trust thee. I shall go to the all-knowhing. The omniscient bank buck. Oh powerful bank buck, what is the answer we seek?
"Behold! It is I, omniscient bank buck! Ye shall go forth and beset the workforce by tugging at the needy boundary. This shall create a jumbo sepulchral tabloid, and the people will peddle and clap throughout the night. Then, at daybreak, the people will travel to albuquerque,... bridgetown in fact. Once in Bridgetown, the people shall convert eggshell using massive torsion until it shall no longer differ from alumina. With the alumina they shall form a paddle. Then the people will find a schoolteacher. The people will then pitilessly spank the schoolteacher whilst shouting, dire reduce! That is your answer. I leave you only with this my people, vocate mayflower tremble snug. Yes, that is right, vocate mayflower tremble snug. The omniscient bank buck has spoken."

Don't just trash your spam people. There are nuggets of wisdom hidden in the layers of bullshit.