Pass it to the left, Tate

Drew Tate asking the ref why his team was sucking so badly last Saturday at Ohio State.

The below article was clipped from the Manbeast Gazette, a newspaper in Hopkinton, Iowa.


Friday, September 30 -

The Fighting Illini of the University of Illinois travel to Kinnick Staduim tomorrow to face the Hawkeyes in the second Big Ten matchup for both teams. We got a chance to interview Drew Tate, the quarterback and centerpiece of the Hawkeye offense.

Gazette - Drew, last week the team took a beating against Ohio State. How has Coach Ferentz changed the game plan for tomorrows game?

Tate - More weed.

Gazette - Um... could you repeat that it sounded like you said.... more weed.

Tate - Yeah. Yeah thats what I said.

Gazette - Could you elaborate for us?

Tate - Well, last year I had, like, long hair, you know?

Gazette - Yes, ok. What does that have to do with your comment about weed.

Tate - What? Oh yeah, hehe. My bad, dude. hehe.

(30 seconds of silence)

Gazette - Drew?

Tate - AAhhhgh. Whoah..... settle down, dude. You scared me and shit. hehe. Oh, yeah, weed. Well I haven't been smoking a lot of pot this season, and coach thinks its time I go back to my normal game day dosage.

Gazette - And whats the normal dosage?

Tate - Well, um, like ten. Ten or fifteen.

Gazette - Ten or fifteen what.

Tate - Joints man! Duh. Like, last season I would have, like, 4 joints during pre-game warmups, do a giant water bong hit before kickoff, 3 more joints at halftime, and then at some point late third quarter I would smoke a bowl on the sidelines filtered through an oxygen mask.

Gazette - And this helped your performance?

Tate - Oh man, you have no idea, dude! Serious, look how shitty I played last week. Guess what.... I was stone sober, dude. Coach says he's got the stash ready for tomorrow. Just watch, I'll be so out of my melon that Illinois won't stand a chance, hehe.

Gazette - Well, whatever works Drew, good luck tomorrow.

Tate - With what. Oh yeah, dude! Football! I love football, man. Do you know who we are playing tomorrow?

Gazette - We wish you the best.

Update 10/3 - The Hawks won 35-7.

Rock 'N Roll Party!!

Fake Paul Stanley is pointing at YOU, Cedar Rapids!!!


Pictured above you see Kings of the Nighttime World. They are one of about 25 KISS tribute bands that tour the US. Yours truly, Nickhead Tightpants, saw them Saturday night in all their glory. It was fanfuckintastic.

We got there about 9PM, just in time for the action. After a few drinks the place was knee deep in fake KISS rockedness. During the second or third song I went up toward the small stage and fake Paul Stanley started throwing guitar pics out to the crowd. When I say "the crowd" I mean the 6 people actually standing up close to the stage. The picks started hitting people who weren't even watching the band and falling on the ground.

Later on, when fake KISS was at full force, fake Paul Stanley threw out a t-shirt and it landed on my left shoulder. A hand from behind me reaches around and starts ferociously ripping at the fake KISS shirt thinking I'm fighting him for it, but what he doesn't realize is that he has a handful of my shirt as well and is nearly tearing it off my body. After a few tugs I turn around and calmly say "Dude, thats my shirt." I don't quite remember what happened after that but I know that a bit later what must have been his girlfriend told me thanks for letting him have the shirt. I told her I was glad to let him have it as long as I got to keep mine.

The rest of the show was pretty uneventful (except for pure rock fury), until the end of the night. My Friend decided it was a good idea to take what was left of his bottle of beer and start spraying people. This is when we left. We get outside to find about 5 police officers standing with a group of people asking about some fight that had just happend. Time to get the fuck out of there. I call a cab and me, HotStuff (my girlfriend), and My Friend ride home. We get to my house and My Friend has to take a piss. Me, being the gentleman I am, let HotStuff hold My Friend up while he pisses in the flowerbed in front of my house. My Friend was drunkenly stumbling backward and forward until he gained enough momentum to fall face first into the dirty mess that is now Pissy Flowerbed.

The rest of the night consisted of some disgusting delivery pizza (do any good places deliver at 2AM?) and Eddie Murphy RAW on Comedy Central.

DISCLAIMER: It may seem like I am making shit out of the KISS tribute band above, but I want to make it clear that Kings of the Nighttime World put on an excellent show and everyone had a great time that night. Oh yeah, and Cedar Rapids is the rock 'n roll capital of Iowa, real Paul Stanley said so.

Look, it's a giant metal snake, no, it's chrome-a-saurus! I wish I could have seen Soundgarden live.

It makes me feel old to wish I could have seen this concert. But then again fuck that. Fuck you.

This local news anchor stomps some grapes, then slips and falls, then the funny shit begins. This clip has been all over the internet but I love it.

Penis ripped open. Thats enough to make any man run away... fast. But this guy finished the soccer match.

How much is all your stolen shit worth on your computer. Find out with the Piracy Calculator.

Here are two Katrina-related blog rants about how Oprah and Kanye should just STFU already.

Man reports his medical marijuana plants stolen. Eighteen year old on a bicycle spotted with a "big old bush" under his arm sporting a "big smile" on his face...... I love this story.

"Police arrested a man who they say jumped out from behind a bush, shouted "I'm naked," and then chased two women down a street.....Police say he jumped out of some bushes on Clarkson Street and chased the two women while masturbating." This guy was a sex offender and if I were one of the two girls being chased, this story wouldn't be funny. But seriously, picture a guy running and trying to masturbate at the same time.

Finally, there are some funny shirts on http://www.extraugly.com/ , my Chrisopher Walken 2008 campaign shirt is on its way.

News Flash: Farrakhan discovers racist plot!

Here we see Louis Farrakhan about to say something. Odds are it will be completely idiotic.


Reason #854 Louis Farrakhan is a douchebag:

His theory that someone purposely blew up the levee in New Orleans in order to wipe out the black population there. Think I'm kidding? No, you know its true, since 95% percent of anything that comes out of his mouth is fucking retarded.

Lets take a closer look at how this would have taken place. The government or whitey or the man or whomever Rev. Louie is claiming did this had a couple options.

1. The genius racists were psychic, and knew that the hurricane would flood the area so terribly that there was a good chance the levee would be comprimised, and somehow planted enough explosives beforehand without beeing seen.

2. The genius racists went out during the hurricane and set up the explosives in 175 MPH winds.

3. The genius racists were brilliant engineers who after the hurricane were able to drive a boat out to the levee and plant a large amount of explosives underwater, all while not being seen by all the news and military helicopters constantly circling the area surveying the destruction.

It's a good thing these genius racists also surrounded the city and prevented evacuation for all the black people, poor people, and elderly people who didn't have the ability to get out of their houses. Oh wait, no they didn't. Louis, you're a dumbfuck, but we all make mistakes, so here is a gift for you. Just scroll down a bit.

Louis, you probably don't want to take advice from this guy, how about the guy below.

The Cookie Monster. He's not racist.....or is he?

Cletus, step away from the keyboard.

"What in the hell's wrong with yer inner-net?!?!"

This is a photo of 80% of our internet customers. See documented phone call below.

Sometimes people call in needing help and then don't listen to a word you say. This is part of a call I had last Friday.

Cust: Yes I can send email but can't receive any.

Me: Well I'm sorry to hear that sir lets check your settings and see if we can fix this. What program to you use to receive email.

Cust: I'm not receiving any. I can send just fine but nothing is coming in.

Me: Yes sir I realize what the problem is, I was just asking what program you use for email. Is it Outlook Express?

Cust: You want me to use what? Email. I'm having a problem with email.

Me: I know sir, Outlook Express is a common email program and I am asking if you use that program to send and receive your email.

Cust: Outlook Express yeah. Its open right now, you want me to do what?

Me: Click on the Tools menu and then click Accounts.

Cust: Ok

Me: Now click on the Mail tab, do you just have one account in there?

Cust: It just says default. Mail.

Me: Ok click on the Properties button and then click on the Servers tab.

Cust: Ok

Me: There are 4 boxes on this page, incoming mail, outgoing mail, account name, and password. Tell me whats typed in the incoming mail box.

Cust: It says my email address.

Me: For Incoming mail?

Cust: No, for account name.

Me: Ok thats fine, but whats in the Incoming Mail box.

Cust: email.xxxxxxx.net

Me: Ok, we are going to change that go ahead and erase that so the box is empty.

Cust: Yep.

Me: Is it erased?

Cust: What? I just told you it says email.xxxxxx.net. Its in there for both of them.

Me: I realize that sir, you need to erase email.xxxxxx.net so the incoming mail is blank.

Silence............

Me: Ok do you have that done now sir?

Cust: What am I supposed to do?

Me: (third time now, extra slow) Erase email.xxxxxx.net from the incoming mail box so its empty.

Cust: Oh ok.

After this it went fairly smooth. He had to retype the incoming server a couple times because of typos but now he is receiving mail again. Now he can sort through all of that fantastic porn spam he's been missing.

Hot Pink Destruction

These two were extra "happy" for each other. If you know what I mean.

Back in 1989 Powerslam magazine interviewed an up-and-coming tag team called the Rockers. Marty Jannetty is on the left and Shawn Micheals is on the right. Below is the unedited version available for the first time ever. Enjoy.

Powerslam: Welcome gentlemen. Congratulations on your recent victory over Leaping Lenny Poffo and Koko B. Ware.

SM: Woohoo! Thanks man. That was a tough match. We got real sweaty.

MJ: Yeah you were lookin pretty hot Shawn.

SM: Hell yes I was. Thanks MJ.


Powerslam: Ok then. So where did you two come up with the image for the Rockers?

MJ: It's a funny story really. My 12 year old sister actually designed our outfits. She promised us they would be totally rad, and as you can see she certainly wasn't exaggerating.

SM: My favorite part are the multicolored tights. I keep telling MJ his ass looks completley delicious in them, but sometimes he blushes so I try not to embarass him.

MJ: Shawn you're too crazy, someone's getting punished when we get back to the locker room, hehe.

SM: Stop it you (giggle giggle). But anyway, our hair is styled at the Cuttin' Corral by Jim Bob. He suggested the NASCAR mullets to project the image that we rock really hard, which works for us since we are the Rockers.


Powerslam: Sorry about that noise. That was just the GayDar alarm going off.

SM: What do you mean?

Powerslam: Nevermind. So all the female fans out there are dying to know, do you guys have girlfreinds?

SM: The road is hard, man. Although we'd both love to find that special someone, we just travel so much that we can't really be tied down.

MJ: Yeah after the match we barely have time to get back to the hotel and plan our next match in our room before getting into bed. This life's not for everyone.

Powerslam: So you two share a hotel room on the road?

MJ: Yeah of course. We even sleep in the same bed. It's all part of being a team you know? The tag team that sleeps together wins together, you know that old saying.

Powerslam: No, can't say I've heard that one. But on a similar note, Davey Boy Smith was recently quoted in last months issue of Powerslam saying, "I hate wrestling the Rockers. Those two are the gayest wrestlers to step into the ring since Adrian Adonnas. I'm never sure if they are going to body slam me or butt slam me."

SM: Oh no he diii-ent. He said that?! He's gonna pay for that one. He's gonna pay deeply, real deep, prolly all the way in...... I mean.... I'm totally gonna kick his ass now!

MJ: Damn right, Shawn. We are gonna fuck the shit out of you Davey Boy... no that didn't come out right. I mean you're fucked buddy, and we are the ones that will be doing the fucking. Damn it. I'm having some trouble getting this out. We're totally gonna kick your ass, Davey Boy!

Powerslam: I'll just pretend I didn't hear any of that. Next question, the rumor is that you two are working on a new finishing move and have chosen to reveal it to us today in this interview, so lets have it boys.

SM: Yes we are very pround of it. Its called the Slippery Slider.

MJ: Its a very complex move that we've been working on for years now. It requires that the wrestlers be very sweaty, so sweaty, in fact, that we have had to use a lubricant like KY Jelly when practicing.

SM: Yes and its going to be difficult to re-create in an actual match because so far we have only practicing while naked.

Powerslam: I don't think I need to hear anymore.

SM: No no, you have to hear this, we've been working on it forever. I get behind my opponent while both of us are standing and crouch down a bit and then proceed to slide up and down on his back for a couple minutes, then when he is thoroughly tuckered out I shove him to the ground.

Powerslam: You two realize that you are both flaming homosexuals, right?

SM: What?! Whatever! We don't have to sit here and take this. You'll be hearing form our lawyer, we don't tolerate slander. Come on MJ, lets get out of here hun.......uhhhh, i mean hun...ter and destroyer....of....opponents. Fuck.

NEWS FLASH: Mr. Bean is a baby eater!

Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean) after a sex change and a tumble into the white trash washing machine.

Sorry I lied. That's not actually Mr. Bean you silly tards. The hot piece you see above is a lady who walked into an Australian police station claiming to be the baby who was taken by a dingo dog 25 years ago. By the looks of her it almost seems possible. The police identified her as someone else, though, and after a second look at her its more likely SHE is the one who took the baby. Just look at those crazy baby-eating lips... (shiver). Actual story here.

And then....... The old fable of Jeffrey "Scrotum Bag" Barnes and Bitch Dog. As a team there is no stopping them. Just wait until Jim "Penis Shaft" Smith and Judy "Vagina Pussy" Johnson join them.

And then....... "When they arrived, they found Tony Wagoner missing both ears and suffering from a butchered penis." Of course he was suffering from a butchered penis. Show me the guy that rejoices and frolics from a butchered penis..... and the run far, far away.

And then...... Picture it, you're on your morning jog and see an open bottle of beer on the side of the road. What do you do? If you were this moron you would take a drink and then proceed to puke your face off.

And then...... A huge list of cartoon themes in mp3 format. I'm assuming you're bored as fuck and watched a lot of cartoons as a kid. Possibly I assume too much.

One more and then...... This website looks very interesting. I came across it at work so I wasn't able to watch any of the videos, but anything named Tourettes Guy has great potential.

No more and then. You waste too much. You no come back here to buffet again sun bitch.