NEW! Folgers EXTREME!

This coffee bean looks a bit like a vagina. But this litte vagina is packed with 25 times the caffeine.


Folgers is rolling out a new Extreme product to relate to the Extreme generation of new coffee drinkers. The caffeine levels are so high, I mean.. Extreme, you have to sign a release form at the store just to walk out the door with it. They have hired me to write some new words for the classic Folgers jingle you hear on their commercials. I think I've done a pretty Extreme job. Stop over maybe I'll sing it for you sometime.


what the fuck you gonna do
when the aroma runs wild on you
probably nuthin, cause there's nothin you can do
the fuckin best part of wakin up
is fuckin folders kickin your butt

when you've been drinkin all fuckin day
and you need to be on your way
its time for folders extreme, like injecting crack into your veins
its the best part of wakin up
a near stroke with every cup

folders extreme will get you lit
we recommend only a few sips
just ask juan valdez, he robbed a bank while on this shit
its still the best part of wakin up
but...don't drink to much or you'll be fucked

Your dreams say a lot about you. Apparently I'm at least mildly retarded.

I am protected from this. Cause I'm smart.

Dream 1

My brother and I are kids at some sort of vacation resort without our parents. We hang out by the pool and it starts to get dark. Fireworks start to go off and everyone is enjoying the show when suddenly someone shouts that they are not fireworks at all. They are nuclear bombs. Somehow I instantly know that when nuclear bombs go off the radiation makes it seem like the sun is out, and if you get touched by the light it will start to burn you terribly. I grab my brother and try to find some sort of shelter. We try a few closets and basements and they are all packed with people and it keeps getting brighter out and my skin is starting to melt. Finally I remember that the arcade is the place to go during a nuclear attack. (Everyone knows that, they taught us in elementary school.) There is a row of pinball machines with oxygen masks on top of them facing a huge window. My brother and I duck behind the pinball machines and put on the masks and I am relieved that we are finally safe.

So in review, this dream should teach us some very important things. To protect yourself from nuclear attack, simply move closer to an arcade...or.....buy a pinball machine and some oxygen and put it next to your bed just like I have done.

Jimmy Swaggart would be perfect for Million Dollar Lotto Church.

Dream 2

After waking up from Dream 1 it was still an hour before I had to get up so I went back to sleep. Then dream 2 happened.

I was driving around some town that looked really familiar in the car I had in high school. I am looking for a church to attend. I find one that looks pretty good and go into the waiting room which is full of people sitting in rows of chairs. Some announcer type guy calls us up by rows to this opening in the wall so that we can buy our lottery tickets before service begins. I get two slips of paper with numbers on them, 146 and 147. They tell us to go into the church and sit down. There are huge electronic displays in the church and somehow I know they are going to display the lottery winner any second. They show 147 and the jackpot is 4 million dollars. This is where things get a bit strange. I get up and leave, get into my car and drive off. Then I wake up. I'm a bit pissed off that it was a dream and that I'm not actually rich. Then I fall back asleep. I'm back in my car and I can't find my piece of paper with the lottery number on it. I drive to a house where my brother and some other guy are at. I explain the situation and they decide to help me find it. I decide the slip of paper is probably in some garbage out by my parents house in the ditch. We drive out there and by the time we arrive my brother and the stranger have disappeared. I dig through the garbage and find the slips of paper. Then I wake up again. I'm a bit pissed that I'm not actually rich and that it was just a dream. I fall back to sleep. Now I am in the house where my brother and the stranger are sitting on the couch and I'm explaining that I had this bag of pills that I need to turn in with the lottery ticket, because each pill is worth 4 million. We look and look and I remember that the bag of pills are probably in the bags of garbage out by my parents house in the ditch. This time my brother and the strager don't disappear and they help me dig through the trash. I find the bag of pills. There are like 20 of them. I'm very happy until I realize that I can't find the slip of paper now. Suddenly me, my brother, the stranger and some girl I don't know are back in the waiting room of the church and I'm explaining the whole thing to my mom. This time I wake up for good.

The next church I become a member of is going to sell million dollar lottery tickets before service. Secondly, when I win I'm turning in the ticket immediately. Oh yeah, and I'll be sure to have my pills with me.

Cat Enema

Nice kitty.

Seconds after this photo was taken, Fluffy scratched the cameraman's eyes out and bit off a large section of his face, leaving him to die in a pool of his own blood.

No, not really. That is Fred and this website telling of his constipation and subsequent enema has been online for years but I had forgotten about it. It's fantastic. You can thank me later.

I like smile at youuuu. Yessss. I like smile.

This man you see above with the greyest eyebrows on earth is the president of India. He recently won the the "Goofy Lookin Fucker" award at the World Political Summit in Paris. His combination of feminine curled helmet hair, color matched eyebrows, hugemongous shoulder pads, and shit-eating grin made him the clear choice. Looks very friendly doesn't he? The answer is yes, yes he does.

Speaking of strange looking people. Check out Freddy Murcury of Queen in his childhood photo on this site, he's on page two. Look out! He's going to eat your face!

You've seen those t-shirt sites with dumb/perverted sayings right? Well sinfulshirts.com has some good ones.

You're parents told you sitting too close to the TV will make you blind. Turns out playing too many video games will kill you.

Earlier I posted a link to the top 10 most dumb-assed heavy/black metal photos. They have a second edition. Make sure to check out number 1 at the bottom. You won't be disappointed.

Homeowner walks in on a guy burglarizing his house, man chases burglar down and stabs him repeatedly with kitchen knife, construction workers try to break it up, smash homeowner in the head with a shovel, burglar drives away then crashes into a fence and dies, homeowner in serious condition. I bet he wishes he would have just let him have that DVD player.

Stories from a rent-to-own repo man. It's funny.... no for real.

Japan is selling non-alcoholic beer to children. They have my vote for best ever ad slogan. "Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink".

Remeber that terrible Power Rangers show. One of them was recently arrested for murder trying to steal a yacht so he could attempt to sail away from the embarassment that was his acting career.

The True Story of Grizzly Adams Part III , The Conclusion

Artist's rendering of the Duke Moonshine Factory.

The time had come. Bob "Grizzly" Adams would taste sweet revenge. The plan was as follows:

1. Sneak into Uncle Jesse's moonshine factory.
2. Set the homemade plastic explosives.
3. Blow shit up.

Luckily Gentle Ben had served with the Navy Seals in Grenada and was a genius with TNT. Steady Paws Ben was his nickname back then. Things were much different now. Gentle Ben was now a full fledged booze hound. He had decided to get shit faced on Hawkeye Vodka before rigging his homemade bomb. The Vodka Rule of Bear had totally slipped his mind. Cheap vodka makes grizzly bears color blind. Ben had no idea he was putting the red wire where the green needed to go. At 2:30 PM that day 55lbs of TNT exploded in his face, killing him and Bob "Grizzly" Adams. The moral is: If you're going to be a raging alcoholic, drink the good shit.

The End

Fuck You Taco Bell, Seriously.

Headquarters of the Evil Empire.

I was arrested this Saturday night for drunk driving. I was safely at home and very hungry thinking about ordering a pizza which would allow me to stay safely within my living room. Then it happened. On the TV i see delicious tacos and burritos of every race, religion, and social class. MMMM tacos. There is nothing better than drunken tacos after midnight. The man on the commercial begins to speak to me. "Nick, we're open late buddy. Real late. Drive through is open until like 3am. Why you ask? Because we know all you drunk bastards are hungry for nasty tacos at that hour and we like to make money. So get in your car, Nick. Drive on down we're only a couple blocks away. Don't worry, soon you'll be back home with a bag full of hot beefy mexican goodness."

I gave in. I jump in the g-ride Nissan Sentra and head off to the Bell. Hell, its only a mile away. What are the chances I'll get pulled over. Turns out 100%. About half way there I see a car behind me and notice it has lights on the top. Not good. It follows my for about three blocks but never turns on its lights. Just when I was thinking I was going to get lucky I see the dreaded flashing bulbs. Fuck. Fuckin shit. So I pull into the Taco Bell parking lot and the officer comes to my door and asks for my liscence and insurance and tells me I was speeding. 45 in a 35. He smells alchohol in the vehicle and after a series of embarassing sobriety tests he gives the breathalizer and instead of going home with a sack full of piping hot diahrrea fuel I end up spending the next 24 hours in a cell with 15 other drunk people at the county jail. Below you will see my mug shot. Looking good, aren't I? Yeah... I pretty much get calls daily from magazines begging me to model their shit. But, you know. I'm not into the whole "using my looks for money" thing. You understand.



It was a rough night.

It was a rough night.

The True Story of Grizzly Adams, Part II

Nectar. Sweet Nectar.

Bob "Grizzly" Adams came back to the mountains feeling mighty low. He set up camp in a secluded area of the Rockies and did all he could to keep his mind off sweet Daisy and her cheeks of delicious goodness. He tried hunting, too easy. He tried fishing, too boring. He tried tree-limb gymnastics, to gay. What was Grizzly to do. What would you do stuck out in the woods depressed and bored out of your mind. You would do what Bob decided to do. Drink. Drink a lot. Drink a lot of Old Milwaukee.

So it began. Bob "Grizzly" Adams' decline into the drunkard fog. Six months later Bob was a full fledged alcoholic. He had a deal with the Old Mil distributor from town to leave a pallet of the Red Delicious near the road for him every week. Things kept getting worse and just when the Griz was about to throw in the towel and end it all, he came upon a companion. A friend for life. Pictured below is a recreation of what Bob may have seen that fantastic day. A bear cub. A bear cub smashed out of his brain on Wild Turkey. Bob knew instantly they would be life long friends when the bear cub looked up in a drunken stare and slurred, "What. What the fuck are you staring at beardy? I'll kick your furry faced ass, trust me on that one."



I can't feel my face.

Bob and the cub became fast friends. When the cub wasn't wasted he was the nicest bear you'd ever meet. Bob decided to name him Gentle Ben. Bob raised Ben to adolescence through nuturing, caring, and drunken whoring. Below are some photos of the good times.



Good morning o' beautiful mountains.


Hurry up with my dinner, beardy!

But as we all know the good times rarely last. And this story is no different. As the drinking and whoring increased over the years, so did Gentle Ben's temper. Sometimes Bob would bring back a couple of dirty bitches from the bar and Ben would be so tanked he couldn't even get an erection. It was times like these Gentle Ben became Not-so Gentle Ben. I'm talkin' Down-right-rude Ben. He would force ladies to give him lap dances and if that didn't get him off he would verbally abuse her until she cried. Horrible, terrible things. He would force Bob to do jumping jacks in his dirty underwear while singing John Denver songs in falsetto. Once Gentle Ben got shit-faced on Captain Morgan and after filling his bear diaper with a giant load, proceeded to take it off and chase Bob and three half-naked ladies around the fire swinging the shit bomb around wildly.

One night, after a week long drunk, Bob "Grizzly" Adams spilled the beans to Gentle Ben about the whole ordeal with Uncle Jesse and Daisy and how he was shunned from the profitable moonshine business he helped to build. Gentle Ben was outraged. The two drunks who became brothers now had a purpose in life. Revenge. They would go to Tennssee and do what needed to be done. They would rob Uncle Jesse and destroy the moonshine factory.

Part three of the True Story of Grizzly Adams coming soon.

I can't feel my face.

Bob and the cub became fast friends. When the cub wasn't wasted he was the nicest bear you'd ever meet. Bob decided to name him Gentle Ben. Bob raised Ben to adolescence through nuturing, caring, and drunken whoring. Below are some photos of the good times.

Good morning o' beautiful mountains.

Hurry up with my dinner, beardy!

But as we all know the good times rarely last. And this story is no different. As the drinking and whoring increased over the years, so did Gentle Ben's temper. Sometimes Bob would bring back a couple of dirty bitches from the bar and Ben would be so tanked he couldn't even get an erection. It was times like these Gentle Ben became Not-so Gentle Ben. I'm talkin' Down-right-rude Ben. He would force ladies to give him lap dances and if that didn't get him off he would verbally abuse her until she cried. Horrible, terrible things. He would force Bob to do jumping jacks in his dirty underwear while singing John Denver songs in falsetto. Once Gentle Ben got shit-faced on Captain Morgan and after filling his bear diaper with a giant load, proceeded to take it off and chase Bob and three half-naked ladies around the fire swinging the shit bomb around wildly.

One night, after a week long drunk, Bob "Grizzly" Adams spilled the beans to Gentle Ben about the whole ordeal with Uncle Jesse and Daisy and how he was shunned from the profitable moonshine business he helped to build. Gentle Ben was outraged. The two drunks who became brothers now had a purpose in life. Revenge. They would go to Tennssee and do what needed to be done. They would rob Uncle Jesse and destroy the moonshine factory.

Part three of the True Story of Grizzly Adams coming soon.