Turkey Mistress

I thought I would make this Thanksgiving especially special. I decided it would be pretty cool to get to know the turkey before killing it and eating it. Thus, I have been living with a turkey for the last two weeks. It's name is Eunice and we are getting along splendidly. Eunice likes to play gin rummy and go for long walks around noontime. I don't let her do any of that shit because she's gonna die soon. We usually discuss the meaning of life while sipping bitter merlot from plastic cups. Eunice sucks at conversation. A few nights ago things took an interesting turn. We were laying in bed just after turning out the lights talking about what the state of world politics will be at the turn of the next century. The shades were open just a bit and the full moon's light was shining on her beak. Eunice made a move toward me, although surprised at first, I knew it was what we both wanted. What followed was the most passionate night of turkey basting the world has ever known. As the sun was peeking over the horizon Eunice and I lay naked in my bed, basking in the glow of human-turkey love. Just before drifting to sleep I put my arm around Eunice and gently whispered in her ear, "Baby, you're gonna be delicious next Thursday."

No matter the time
No matter the weather
Nothing turns me on more
Than the touch of your feather

Support Call Logged - 11/2/06 10:13AM

Officially I only take internet support calls but sometimes a customer will hit the wrong button and will have a cable TV issue they need help with. We can transfer these people if we want but usually they are easy calls so I take them. I'm glad I did this time or I would have missed a beautiful experience. This sounded like an older lady, she kinda had that older gravelly quality to her voice. She also had some loser shouting to her in the background telling her to ask me shit. That's always fun.

Lady - Yeah I'm calling about the dancing with the wolves.

Me - Um, okay. What's your phone number so I can pull up your account.

Lady - The cable, you know. Why do they keep playing dancing with the wolves?

Me - Is there a problem with your cable tv?

Lady - They have dancing with the wolves on, then it will be on again tomorrow. Then they play it the next day.

Me - What channel are you talking about?

Lady - The westerns channel. They always play the same stuff all the time. They will play it at night, then play it again the next morning.

Me - I'm sorry but we just broadcast the channel, ma'am, we don't actually have anything to do with the programming on the channel, you'd have to contact that channel directly if you have complaints about their programming.

She shouts this information back to somebody, then I hear some douchebag shouting to her.

Douchebag - Hey! You ask him if they got relic hunter, or if they are gonna get it.

Lady - Do you have relic hunter?

Me - Is relic hunter a television show, or an entire channel? I'm sorry I'm not familiar with relic hunter.

Lady - (shouting back to the douchebag) Is that a program or a channel?!

Douchebag - Relic hunter! Just ask them if they are gonna get it.

Lady - Are you gonna get relic hunter?

Me - Well if relic hunter is a program what channel is it on?

Lady - (shouting back again) What channel!?!

Douchebag - Well I don't get it no more!!

Lady - Well he used to have it when he was in the Gold Star Trailer Park but now that he moved here he don't get it.

Me - Well if he can find out what channel he is asking about I can check to see if we offer it.

Lady - Yeah, and try to show some more different stuff on the westerns. When it starts gettin cold and snowing people are gonna wanna watch that.

Me - Ok ma'am I'll pass that along.

When she started telling me about the trailer park I have to admit I wasn't surprised. The "dumb white trash" stereotype just keeps authenticating itself.