The NBA has no future.

What's up with professional basketball players now days? I just read this article about Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin. Apparently he was drunk and masturbating to porn on his dashboard DVD player while driving his Escalade and smashed into a parked car. As you can tell from the picture in the article it was a bit more than a fender bender. It's disgraceful. If things like this keep happening the future of the NBA looks very bleak indeed. The NBA players of the past would never do something like this. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that the NBA greats of yesteryear didn't get drunk and drive or get their freak on while driving. I'm saying they wouldn't wreck the car and get caught. Let's review some of the great things accomplished by athletes who actually had some respect for the game.

Aren't they cute.

Manute Bol - This 7'7" African once used 5'3" Mugsey Bogues as a strap-on to satisfy his wife while high on "the cocaine" and driving his 1988 Chevy Suburban from the back seat. Did anyone ever print an article about that? Of course not, he was a professional.

Lookin' fine, Larry.

Larry Bird - The kid from French Lick, Indiana did some licking of his own back in the day. Back in 1986 he performed oral sex on a dyslexic female black bear after a three day binge on Busch heavy while piloting a Cessna airplane with his genitals. Perfect landing. No cops. He had game.

Royalty.

Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain - One of the best ever to play the game, he was also very well known for his bedroom exploits. He didn't always keep his sexual antics in the house, however. In his autobiography he writes that once a year he would take a drive in his custom Jaguar while doing speedballs and finger-blasting three midget bodybuilders all while doing his taxes. "That was just my tax-time ritual.", he said. That's some class, my friends.

Make a path, bitch.

Charles Barkley - "The Round Mound of Rebounds" was arrested in 1997 for throwing an annoying heckler through a plate glass window at a dance club in Orlando and was charged with aggravated battery. When asked if he had any regrets about the incident he was quoted as saying, "I regret we weren't on a higher floor." This actually happened and although Sir Charles got caught and although it may have caused some embarrassment for the NBA, at least he wasn't caught jerking off.

Chubby Beach Flasher Strikes Again!

The New Hampshire Chubby Beach Flasher is on the loose and he's got his underwear on his head. You may be wondering, "Nickhead, where were you when this happened?" I know it seems a bit suspicious but I swear it wasn't me. Here is the real article followed by an exclusive interview with Chubby O'Flashermalley by the Manbeast Gazette.


N.H. Police Warn of Chubby Beach Flasher

RYE, N.H. (AP) - Police are warning of a male flasher on the beaches of Rye. They're responding to a report that a woman was flashed at Odiorne State Park on Friday, and have noted that the flasher's description - a white male, about 55, with a chubby belly and gray chest hair - is similar to that of a man who exposed himself to beachgoers last year.

That man has not been caught, though last year a woman reported being fondled by a flasher at Odiorne Point. Police say reports of the flasher - who uses underwear to mask his face - have been sporadic through the years.

06/21/06 20:48 © Copyright The Associated Press. All rights reserved. The information contained In this news report may not be published, broadcast or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press.

Chubby Beach Flasher Speaks Out

RYE, N.H. - Manbeast Gazette's own Eugene McHossenfefferhasslehoff recently sat down with New Hampshire's Chubby Beach Flasher to discuss his actions and the impact they have had in the quiet community of Rye, NH and, in turn, on the world.

Eugene - Hello there, have a seat. So what should I call you? I assume Chubby Beach Flasher isn't very complementary.

CBF - No you're right. I prefer Fatass Nakedballs. Hahah! No, actually you can call me Horace, all my friends do.

Eugene - Ok, Horace it is. Horace as I look at you a couple things stand out. One, you're completely nude, and two, you are wearing soiled briefs on your head. Are you trying to start a new style trend, or is this some sort of uniform for your work?

CBF - First of all what you see is not "soiled briefs on my head", it's a mask. It may be true that they were worn as underwear for a year or three previous to their new life as a mask, but they are a mask all the same. Think of Spiderman or Batman, their indentities needed to be hidden for them to perform their jobs, same as me.

Eugene - So you are something of a superhero? I'd have to argue that showing beachgoers your grey-haired genitals doesn't really compare to fighting crime with super powers.

CBF - You can't tell me Batman never flashed at least the tip of the Batcock at some point.

Eugene - Batman is a comic book character.

CBF - What's your point?

Eugene - I guess my point is.. what good is coming out of your actions? Batman saved lives, does your old dick save lives?

CBF - Come on I'm not that old. And yes, it could. If I were to train it to do so. But my duty is not to save lives. My duty is to bless the beach public with my hairy balls and sugary grey chest hair, and for me to continue with my duty, I need to keep my identity concealed.

Eugene - Fair enough. Thanks for taking the time to chat with us Horace. Would you mind if we took a photo of you to show the world this new breed of superhero?

CBF - I'd be happy to. Do you have a different hat or something, my mask smells like shit. Hey, you won't show my face will you?

Eugene - You have my word.

BUSTED

The Diary of Professor Twizzlenips - First Entry

Alas, it was time. Blessed with the speed of a ninja and the cunning of a ninja fox, the squirrel was ready. Was it time? No. It was not. In preparation for his mission the squirrel had mated, and mated well. Why? The answer is within. Within the squirrel. So the raccoon tore apart said squirrel to find the answer. But he found only the inside of the squirrel. Alas, is it time? Still it is not. Fuck.

In time you find that nothing is found in time. The clock plays games. Not regular games but games none the less. Remember that we are dealing with time, not just cards or dice. Dice and cards once embarked on a remarkable journey. Unfortunately dice's credit card was completely maxed out. Cards was disappointed.

The journey lasted until the end. Upon the end the deeds of ninja squirrel, raccoon, clock, time, dice and cards were never to be mentioned. This is why I will never tell of said deeds. But I will reveal this. Said deeds involved a midget. I have revealed too much.

Tech call logged 6/15/06 9:50AM

Clueless, old, and pissed. The perfect combination for a buttlog worthy tech call.

Mean Lady - Yeah my inner-net hasn't worked since Sunday.

Me - Well, I'm sorry to hear about your trouble, do you just have the one computer?

Mean Lady - No my son has one and it's working fine.

Me - Well I just checked your cable modem and it's online, and if the other computer in the house is online that verifies that the connection is ok on our end. Let's go to your computer and.....

Mean Lady - (Politely not allowing me to finish) Well why the hell isn't mine working?

Me - I don't know ma'am we need to do some troubleshooting. What happens when you open your internet browser?

Mean Lady - What?

Me - On your computer. What version of Windows are you using?

Mean Lady - Windows? What's that mean?

Me - The operating system on your computer. Is it Windows or Macintosh?

Mean Lady - I have windows when it starts up.

Me - Ok, go ahead and open your internet program and tell me what happens.

Mean Lady - (Shouting to someone in the background) Open the inner-net! (Talking to me) It says page can't be displayed.

Me - What website are you trying to open?

Mean Lady - (Still shouting back) What's the website?! (Talking to me) Internet Explorer.

Me - That's not a website that is the program you are using. It should list the website you are trying to look at up in the address bar at the top of the page.

Mean Lady - (Shouting back again) What's in the address bar?! (Guy in the background) It says Internet Explorer.... can't be displayed! (Mean Lady says this back to me.)

Me - Ma'am, Internet Explorer is the program you are using it's not a website. The website will be typed in the address bar, it will say something like www.msn.com or www.yahoo.com or something like that.

Mean Lady - (Getting aggravated.) Well there ain't no address bar just Internet Explorer and it says it can't be found. It ain't workin.

Me - Well ma'am we are trying to find out if the website you're trying to go to is valid and to possibly try another website if that is the case. Since the other computer is working and I can verify that the cable modem is working ok then we need........ (click)

The bitch hung up on me. These people honestly baffle me. If you don't know what a WEBSITE is, what could you possibly be using the internet for. It's called a WEBSITE, BITCH! That's what the internet is! A collection of fucking WEBSITES! Yes, the online bingo you play for 10 hours a day is on a WEBSITE!

Phone call logged 6/9/06 11:01AM

Cusomter: Yeah I came in this morning to pay my bill to get my cable box turned back on, how long is that going to take?

Me: Well sir it shows that it's alreay been restored, is it not working?

Customer: Do you think I should plug it in?

What do you think he would have said if I told him, "No, probably not."

Philosophy

God damn I love Friday's. Friday's are like fuckin' holidays. Like when I walk into work it's all, "Happy fuckin' Friday!" and all that. It's like you just want to sing a fuckin' tune or something. "Balls and dick and dick and balls..... balls and ass and dick... and balls." Just because it's fuckin' Friday fucker. That's why I'm fuckin' singing. Fuck. You know? I wish every day was fuckin' holiday Friday. That would be so fuckin' sweet. No wait, that wouldn't fuckin' work. Cause then Friday's wouldn't be special or fuckin' shit. It would be like, "Oh I guess it's fuckin' Friday again, just like every other stupid fuckin' day." That's why I'm so fuckin' smart cause other people who aren't as crazy fuckin' intelligent like me might not realize shit like that. You know? It just makes me want to have insane and silly butt sex with a malnourished zebra when I think about how fuckin's sweet Friday's are. You can totally fuckin' understand, I can tell. Mostly I can tell because I'm pretty close to being a fuckin' genius. Like a rocket genius. No, a rocket surgeon. Rocket surgery..... fuckin' sweet.