White Trash Camping

These bags were scattered everywhere.

Manbeast's girlfriend and Manbeast went camping Friday night at a county park. That was probably the first mistake, "county park". Plus we were in the "primitive" section, the part without the electricity or running water. We were only there one night so we decided to go cheap. Wait, no we didn't, all the good sites had been taken already. Anyway whatever. There were probably about 15 camp sites there and most of them had people at them. The people all looked fairly civilized except one group across the road and down a couple sites from where we were. I didn't make any judgments at first, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I did see things like this going on.

Mr. Miagi ain't nuthin'.

Aaahhhh, puckin' nature.

Everything was fine all evening and even after the sun went down they seemed to refrain from commencin' to whoopin' and hollerin'. But at around 11:30 that changed. I heard some rustlin' around over in their vicinity like people rolling on the ground or something. That's when the drunken shouting began.

Slurring Lady - You son of a bitch!

Slurring Man - You cain't be sayin' that shit in front of the kids, don't you know there's kids round here.

Slurring Lady - Yeah, I know there's kids you son of a bitch! You hit me!

Random 3rd guy - I don't think a man oughtta be hittin' no woman.

Slurring Man - Well, a woman hit me once, that I can take, but hit me again and I'm fightin' back.

This went on back and forth for about 20 minutes. At one point the lady said she was leaving and got in her car, drove forward in the grass about 3 yards then backed up and got back out of the car. A few minutes later a cop showed up. He gets out of his cruiser and the first thing he does is get on his radio and call for assistance. I don't blame him. Five minutes later another cop in a truck comes flying through the park and over to the campsite in question. Everything calms down and they are over there for about an hour. Then out of the blue I hear a guy shout, "SHE HIT ME AGAIN!". The cop pointed his flashlight over next to a tree where there is a mullet-headed guy and some girl sitting on a blanket. I think they did arrest someone eventually but he cooperated so the officer didn't baton the guys legs or anything exciting. After the cops left everything was pretty quiet and we went to bed. Sometime in the middle of the night I was awakened to the loudest drunken blubbering crying I had ever heard. I swear it sounded like he was right outside my tent. I think he may have been trying to apologize but I'm not sure, I was only able to make out a few words. I.....drunk....why.....sorry......talons. Ok maybe he didn't say talons but most likely he did. I'm happy cause I think it turned out ok for the couple. I hope they got it on country style that night and created something special. Something such as.... the next karate kid maybe?

Tech call logged 5/11/06 11:40AM

Me - Thank you for calling Anonymous Company my name is Nick, how may I help you?

Customer Lady - Yes we just got the internet and we are setting up this defender virus type thing and it's asking for an email address and we don't have one.

Me - You don't have an email address?

Customer Lady - No!

Me - Well if you don't have an email address I would be happy to set one up for you. What do you want to use for your email address?

Silence.........

Me - Ma'am?

Customer Lady - I just told you. I don't have an email adress. We are setting up this virus thing and it's asking for an email address but we don't have one.

Oh really? Thank goodness you didn't tell me what you wanted for your address, and instead reapeated exactly what you said the first time. My bad, I guess I wasn't listening.

Me - I realize this ma'am, I said I can set one up for you and was asking you what you want to use for your address.

Customer Lady - Here's my son.

Lady's Son - Hello?

Me - Yes I was just asking what your mom wanted to use for her email address.

At this point her son gives me an address and password and I set it up and the call ends. Thirty seconds later another call comes in. Guess who.

Customer Lady - Yeah it won't take it. It won't work.

Me - What won't work.

Customer Lady - The email won't work. It won't take it.

Me - Are you still setting up the antivirus program?

Customer Lady - Yes.

Me - What error or message is it giving you.

Customer Lady (shouting back at son) - What's it saying?

Son (in backround) - It's saying it won't work.

No shit.

Me - Is it saying anything more specific than that?

Customer Lady - It says the email address does not appear to be valid.

Me - And you're typing customer@company.com with no spaces?

Customer Lady - yes, customer at company.com.

Something about the way she pronouced the word "at" made me think they might have been typing the word "at" instead of @. I mistakenly assumend that since she had her son setting it up for her that at least he would know that email addresses have that little symbol in them. I mean even if you've never used a computer, email addresses are everywhere, on billboards, commercials, everywhere!

Me - So you are typing "customer" then that symbol with the "a" in it....

Customer Lady - Oh you mean that symbol? We aren't supposed to type the word "at"?

Me - No, ma'am, every email address has that symbol in it.

Customer Lady - Ok that worked.

Me - Is there anything else I can help you with?

Customer Lady (shouting back at son) - Is there anything else you needed help with?

Son (in backround, and bitchy) - Now what do I do?

Well he could go get his GED or something, it might make him less of a dumb shit.

Me - Well at this point he'll have to refer to the antivirus setup instructions.

Customer Lady - Ok, we might be calling back!

Can you tell me when so I can be in the bathroom dropping a duece or something.
or
Well you can try but we'll be closed then.
or
I wouldn't if I were you.

Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo hombres! Most Americans think Cinco de Mayo is the Mexican independence day. WRONG, BITCHES. Mexico declared it's independence 52 years earlier in 1810. It's really a good thing I'm here to set you straight so that when you are getting shitfaced on Corona tonight you will be doing it with a corrected sense of history.

Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of the Mexican victory over Napoleon III and the French in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. Why were the French in Mexico? Good question young student, now shut the fuck up and keep listening. France, Spain, and the English claimed that Mexico owed them a buttload of money and Mexico was broke after their own civil war and the Mexican - American war. Mexico offered to pay in installments but was denied. So all three of them came to Mexico to collect but Spain and England went home after about a month. Napoleon decided to stay (he was a douchebag) and take over to get some influence in the America's. He was also planning on a quick victory to have a base from which to aide the Confederate Army in the American Civil War.

On May 5, 1862 the French army of between 5 and 6 thousand troops marched toward Mexico City to face a Mexican army of only about 4 thousand, many of which were from native tribes and armed only with machetes. By the end of the day the Mexican army had killed over 1000 of the French and forced a retreat. The French eventually sent 30,000 troops to Mexico and took control in 1864. Shortly after that the American civil war ended and with supplies and ammunition supplied from the US, Mexico defeated the smelly French in 1867.

So, why should the US care? Because. Because that battle on May 5th prevented the quick victory Napoleon was counting on. If that butthole would have won that day, he would have started pumping money and supplies to the Confederates and may have changed the outcome of our civil war. So before you pass out tonight take a moment to think of what it would be like today if Cletus and the slave owners had won. Thanks Mexico. We salute you. Now where's the tequila?

I almost forgot. Mexico had a secret weapon just in case the French won. Feast your eyes.

New Featured Album

Buy my new album please.

Hi, I'm Ken. I've just released my newest album. I'm pretty sure you'll really enjoy it. I've been working on it for a couple years now and the record company was getting antsy for me to put it out for everyone to hear. Besides, some of it was leaked to the internet already, I'm guessing because of the huge demand for a double dose of the Kenster. I've named my album By Request Only. It's really funny because, like, basically everyone is requesting to be slapped across the face with a sloppy pile of Ken, so, you know, everyone is requesting it. The other day someone in the street was like, "Ken! Where the hell you been! We're craving that sweet Ken magic on vinyl." And I said, "You know where I've been, man. Working and perfecting and making sure my new product will be the best. Dummy." I'm just kidding I didn't really say dummy.

The close-up of my face on the cover was Mom's idea. I was hesitant at first but it turned out great. Thanks Mom, I should've known you'd be right. And Mom, please don't worry about the mustache. I know the girls will be pretty horny after looking at the cover, but I can handle myself. Believe me I'm used to the attention. I mean who wouldn't want a piece of The Lumberjack after seeing that cover. (Sometimes I call myself The Lumberjack.) Do you see how the close-up is all serious and the full body shot is all happy and what not? Thats so people can see both sides of Ken. Cause I can be serious sometimes, like on my ballads. (Which are fantastic on this album by the way.) But I can also have fun, but you all knew that I'm sure, LOL. But enough jibber jabber from the ol' Ken-o-matic, I'm sure you're itchin' to run out and pick up By Request Only.

Hugs and 'Stachetastic Kisses,

Ken