NEWS FLASH - Author arrested!

Article taken from the Eastern Iowa Reporter, April 18th, 2006. Written by Wayne Frankenballs Jr.

Nickhead Manbeast apprehended at his Cedar Rapids offices.

Cedar Rapids, IA - Nickhead Manbeast, author of the world-famous blogging site Information Whore, was arrested Tuesday morning from his headquarters in downtown Cedar Rapids, Iowa. First reports indicate the arrest is related to a recent article published in Information Whore on April 4th telling the story of the infamous Sasquatch and Yeti. Rumors surrounding the incident point to Yeti's influential ties to the White House and Vice President Dick Cheney as the primary reason for such swift action. Initially, Manbeast was being held for the unauthorized biography of Sasquatch and Yeti, but 20 minutes previous to the printing of this article, new allegations have been levied against Manbeast.

Cheney impatiently explains the serious nature of the allegations.

The new allegations implicate Manbeast as the ringleader of a decade old Sasquatch and Yeti fur trade. For years the skinned bodies of the Sasquatch and Yeti have been found in the Jura mountains of Denmark by the creepy folk who still live there, but who was doing the skinning had remained a mystery. Cheney explains that Manbeast and his staff at Information Whore have been making millions from the selling of their hydes. Cheney says, "For years this little asshole has been raking in a fortune from killing these poor fictional creatures. Whoops, did I say fictional? HAHAA! Silly me. I meant these extremely real and non-fictional creatures who totally exist. I say this to you, Nickhead. Now that we've found you, there's nowhere to run, douchebag."

Because of the tight timeframe before printing, we were not able to contact Nickhead Manbeast's representation for comment. We did, however, get a comment from the security guard at Information Whore headquarters. Mantits McGwire had this to say, "Sasquatch's aren't real. Dick Cheney's retarded."

The Sasquatch and Yeti Saga - Part II

The distinguished face of Sasquatch.

Sasquatch had little pride left. All day he absorbed punishment at the local White Castle from the impatient customers. All day he had to remake orders because there would inevitably be a stray hair or two that had drifted. He was near his breaking point. What had happened to his dream? He was a choreographer at heart. He was well on his way to being the next Paula Abdul until that tragic day in 1998. He was teaching a group of high school girls his patented spin and dip technique when he heard a terrible snapping sound from his left knee. And we all know what they say about Sasquatch choreographers with a bum knee. I don't think I need to repeat it, friends. Now it was 8 years later and Sasquatch was at rock bottom. He had nowhere to turn. Sure he had his wife Becky, but she was no help. She was only human afterall. How could she understand the complex mind of the Sasquatch. Besides, Becky married him when he was nearing the top of the dance world, now that he was just a nobody, your average run-of-the-mill Sasquatch, she didn't much care for him. She spent most of her time on the internet playing Texas hold-em and looking at erotic pictures of younger, more successful Sasquatches. If all this wasn't enough misfortune, today at the end of his double shift at White Castle, Sasquatch had been fired. They had just received too many complaints and had to let him go. Sasquatch had nothing left to give. When he got a moment alone tonight, he planned to end it all.

Sasquatch took one last swig of the expensive Scotch he received from his wife at his graduation from the Berkeley School of Dance. It was now or never. He still had a few connections from his party days and was able to score a bottle of prescription pain killers. He was going to take the whole bottle and end this joke that was his life. As he was pouring the entire bottle into his furry palm and was about to toss them back, he heard a familiar voice. A voice he hadn't heard in years. He turned to look at the TV and saw a face he hadn't seen since 1984. Sasquatch's face brightened up into a smile for the first time in months and tears began to form in his eyes. It was his old friend and cousin, Yeti.

Yeti's first gig in France.

Sasquatch and Yeti had long ago been best friends and entrepreneurs in the late 1970's economic boom in Denmark. In 1980's Denmark, however, things changed. A terrible recession began in 1982 that drove the Sasquatch and Yeti out of business. In fact the bloated economy that the Sasquatch and Yeti helped to build with their import/export business was largely blamed by experts for the drastic crash of the Denmarkian stock market on May 2nd, 1982, otherwise known as Hairy Brown Friday. After that terrible day Sasquatch and Yeti began to face protests and fierce antiYeti-ism. Soon they could not even be seen in public together. By 1984 Sasquatch had moved to San Jose, California and Yeti went to Paris. While we all know what happened to Sasquatch, Yeti had much better luck. Within months his flashy smile, outgoing personality, and unspoken grace had landed him a modeling job for the expanding French comic book industry. Since then he had steady work modeling and in small acting parts in movies and TV. He also had a lucrative deal with Drain-O as a spokesbeast. In fact Yeti was on the television doing a commercial for Drain-O during that fateful moment that saved Sasquatch's life. Yeti's work in the entertainment industry over the years had greatly improved public opinion of the Sasquatch and Yeti. Sasquatch began to formulate a plan. A plan to take his life back and show the entire world the passion and conviction of Sasquatch. But first he somehow needed to get Yeti's cell phone number.

Part III of The Sasquatch and Yeti Saga coming soon.