Turkey Day

Someone told me today that tomorrow is Turkey Day. I decided to acknowledge our middle eastern friends with a post on my super famous b(utt)log. So here's to you Turkey. Keep keeping it real or something.

Hey I just realized something. Turkey Day falls on the same day as Thanksgiving this year! I wonder if there is any correlation between the two. Were there any Turks on the Mayflower? Man... small world, huh. Maybe I should email the president of Turkey and let him know about Thanksgiving. I bet he'd be very excited to find out we eat an animal that has the same name as his country on the same day as Turkey Day. Maybe he would feed some turkey to the terrorists in Syria and Iraq and the triptowhatever would make them to groggy to bomb anyone on that day. Douchebag terrorists. Anyway... keep up the good work Turkey, and know that even though Turkey Day is on the same day as Thanksgiving, here is one Ameician that hasn't forgotten about you. I love you Turkey. Call me.

All my love and sweet nutbutter kisses,
Nickhead Manbeast

Girl, you know it's true. Hawks kill gophers.

Milli Vanilli are back! Are you guys ready?!?! Of course not! No one is ready! Oh wait, one of them died...... Vanilli is back!! By himself!! Are you guys ready!!?!?!?

Anyway, Milli Vanilli have nothing to do with this post, I just love and miss them.

What you see below is the Death Klutch gopher trap. Death Klutch. That's bad ass. It's especially bad ass because clutch is spelled with a "K". Cool, huh.















You may be thinking, "Ok Nickead, but what's your point?". My point is that the Hawks last game is tomorrow against the "Golden Gophers" from Minnesota, and the players from Iowa will be administering the Death Klutch to each of the gophers with strengft and quickness. I was thinking about hawks and gophers in the animal world yesterday and decided to go into the wilderness and see if I could listen in on one of their conversations. Luckily mother nature was feeling cooperative and I was able to tape record just such a conversation between Greg the Gopher and Henry the Hawk. Here is the transcript. (This is totally true, fuckers.)

Greg pokes his little bastard gopher head out of his hole to see Hank standing there in all his majesticness.

Greg - AAAAAH. Jesus Hank, you scared the living gopher shit out of me.

Hank - Oh, sorry Greg. I was just swooping down for some lunch. Mike the Mouse was delicious.

Greg - You ate Mike?! Oh well, he was a bit of a douchebag anyway. Hey I was talking to Chris the other day, you know, Chris the Cat? Anyway, he was saying that the humans have sports teams named after us. Pretty sweet, huh.

Hank - HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA. HA. HAHA.

Greg - What's so funny?

Hank - I just find it funny anyone would name a team after a gopher. I mean come on, a gopher? A Hawk I can understand. We fly around in the sky looking all distinguished and what not, and upon spotting our prey we swoop down and BAM! They don't even know what hits them. Precision and power my friend. But a gopher... I mean what's so intimidating about a dirty little rodent tunneling around in the ground fucking up golf course lawns.

Greg - Hank, you're an asshole. Conceited too. Gopher's have a lot going for them.

Hank - Yeah? Like what?

Greg - Well.... we can dig like crazy, so we must have strong hands.

Hank - That's it? You can dig. Ooooooh, watch out. Greg the Gopher is gonna dig his way into the end zone with his muscular gopher hands. I'm pretty scared Greg.

Greg - You know what, fuck you Hank.

Hank - HAhahah. Come on seriously. I googled gopher the other day, you know what comes up? Pest control. You're nothing more than a pest, bitch. You're just gonna have to deal. I bet if you google a hawk the results would be something about power or grace. Or maybe some conservation site with people spending thousands of dollars to save us or something.

Greg - No, actually I googled you yesterday and it comes up with the Petrohawk Energy Corporation. How majestic is that you corporate whore.

Hank - Why were we googling each other for no reason?

Greg - Beats me. Ask dipshit here who is making all this up.

Nickhead - Shut up. I'm not supposed to be in this TOTALLY TRUE story. God damn it Greg.

Hank - You know what, I'm bored of all this. And you're beginning to piss me off, Greg. Now that I think about it, I may still be hungry.

With nanosecond speed, Hank thrust his beak through Greg's little bastard gopher eye and into his tiny gopher brain, killing him instantly.

Hank - I'm just playin, Nickhead. I wasn't really hungry. I was just sick of Greg's crap and wanted to let everyone know what happens when gophers mess with hawks.

Nickeahead - That's corny, Hank. But whatever, go hawks!

Then it happend, the first ever wing to hand high five. God bless America.

Perry Bible Fellowship.

Click on it to read it. Duh.

Today I got another customer calling in due to us "kickin her off" the internet. I would like to share.

Customer - I'm trying to use the internet and you guys keep kickin me off. (Tone = bitchy and rude.)

Me - First of all I'm sorry to hear about the trouble, what exactly do you mean by "kicking you off", are you on the internet and it stops displaying websites?

Customer - Well, Im just on the internet and then I get kicked off. (This lady could join the lady from a couple days ago to form the Incredibly Vague Duo, and travel the earth refusing to be specific.)

Me - What do you see on your screen when this happens ?

Customer - This box comes up and says internet explorer has a problem.

Me - That means the program internet explorer is failing on your computer and windows can't run it anymore.

Customer - But I've never had any problems with it before. The computer's only two years old. (How old does your computer have to be before it's allowed to be shitty?)

Me - Well it doesnt really matter how old your computer is ma'am, or that it hasn't had any issues previously, the fact is that the probelm you are describing is a software problem and not a connection problem.

Customer - So how do i fix it. (She is very annoyed now.)

Me - Sometimes problems can be caused by viruses or spyware, do you have any protection from those things?

Customer - We have Norton. Just renewed Norton. Never had any problems with Norton before.

Me - If you go to download.com you can get free spyware removal programs that can remove some of the stuff Norton doesn't look for.

Customer - Well I've never had any troubles before. This just started a week ago and my sister is having the same problem and she uses you for internet so we just figured you guys were having problems.

Me - Ma'am, it really doesn't matter when the problem started or if your sister is having computer problems as well, the fact remains that the problem you are describing is a computer problem and nothing I do from this end is going to help, you may need to contact the computer manufacturer or a computer repair shop if the spyware removal program doesnt fix it.

Customer - (She's completely pissed off now. I mean I don't blame her. I personally snuck into her house and downloaded a bunch of spyware on her computer last night.) Well I've never had a problem before. I'll just call the computer people. CLICK.

Someone explain to me when a customer is having a problem and calls their internet provider and is told that the issue is with their computer they respond with, "well I wasn't having problems last week/yesterday, so how can it be my computer". I just want to ask them, "When would be a legitimate timeframe that your computer can start having problems? When your car breaks down do you call your mechanic and argue with them that you were just driving it yesterday so there can't be a problem with it today? When is the appropriate time for your computer to fuck up?"

This lady also pulled out another one of my favorite reasons why it can't possibly be a computer problem and has to me my fault. Her sister was having problems too. Somehow this is rock solid proof that her computer is fine. How much do you wanna bet that they both opened the same shitty forward that took them to the same stupid website that had some crappy animation of a flower blooming or some shit and ended up with a nice little spyware program that screwed up Internet Explorer. Bitch please.

Turd Sprinkles

Step #1: Pinch a healthy turd like the one below. Niiiiiiice.



Step #2: Microwave said turd for approximately 10-15 minutes on full power to dry it out. Nevermind the smell, it's just nature's way of saying, "Hey, you're cooking poop!"



Step #3: Grate the shriveled ass nugget like a block of hard cheddar. Gloves? Why bother.



Step #4: Bottle it up and.... enjoy! Turd Sprinkles; brings out the poop eater in anyone.



Sadly, this is not my idea. More sadly, someone did this. Most sadliest and extremely disgustingliest is that he put his poop sprinkles on pastries in a grocery store for unknowing people to eat.

Man Found Guilty of Spreading Feces on Store Food
DALLAS, Texas A Dallas cab driver was found guilty Wednesday of creating a public health danger, after spreading dried feces on food in a grocery store. 49-year-old Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh was convicted of sprinkling fecal matter on pastries and baked goods at a Fiesta grocery store. Police found a pile of human feces by his bed. They believe he would dry it, either by microwave or just let it sit out, then grate it up and sprinkle it at the store. During the trial, prosecutors showed a store surveillance videotape of the defendant, which shows him sprinkling a substance on the food. The sentencing phase of the trial begins Thursday.
(© MMV, CBS Broadcasting, Inc. All Rights Reserved.)

Link to the real story has a surveilance video of him doing the nanstyness.

And then... Speaking of surveilance videos, here are two clips from Best Buy cameras. Mullet Ninja and Dipshit Travolta.

And then... What if Fox News had been around throughout history. Here they are covering some of the big events.

And then... Besides the fact that you are 1000 feet in the air in a wicker basket suspended from a fucking balloon that you are shooting giant flames into.... here's another reason you will never see me in a hot air balloon. "A woman helping to launch her husband's hot air balloon Sunday got caught in one of its ropes, pulled into the air and hit a tree before falling 50 feet and crashing through a barn's roof, police said."

And then............... no and then.

I'm gonna kick you off the inner-net.

You sure did, Billy.

My job for the last 5 years has been internet support over the phone. Let me introduce you to one of my favorite phrases I hear on a regular basis........

"You people keep kickin' me off the inner-net."

This statement is usually followed by, "What's yer problem down there?", or, "You better quit it or I'm gitt'n a new pervider."

To the brilliant individual on the other side of the phone that phrase is all I should need to fix the issue. Many times they are annoyed that I need to ask them further questions to find out what the hell they are talking about. "Kicking me off the internet" basically means "shit quits working". We need to define what the "shit" is. Sometimes a customer's entire computer will keep shutting down on them and they interpret this as "us people" fucking up their "inner-net". Let's look at an example, shall we? The answer is yes.

Customer - Yes, you people keep kickin' me off my email.

Me - I'm sorry to hear about the trouble, what program do you use for your email?

Customer - I use you for email.

Me - I understand that you use the email address that you get with our service, ma'am, but you can use your email on our website or, like many people, you use an email program like Outlook or Outlook Express.

Customer - Well, I just go to my email and use you. (Can being extremely vague be considered a super-power? I'd buy that comic book.)

Me - Ok, when you go to your email do you open Internet Explorer like you were getting on the web, or do you open a separate program.

Customer - I don't know.

Me - Well, in that case, just describe to me what steps you take to get to your email. (I'm proud of myself at this point, thinking she has to tell me something specific, even if by accident. Wrong, this question just pisses her off.)

Customer - This is rediculous. I told you the problem. You people kick me off my email when I'm typing a message. Then I have to go back in and start all over.

After putting my phone on mute and calling this lady a few names I was able to decipher that she was indeed using our website to send mail. She was taking over 20 minutes to type an email and then when she went to send it the site had logged her out automatically as a security precaution. I explained this to her and walked her through setting up her address in Outlook Express so she wouldn't have that problem.

The mistake a lot of customers make is that they see a computer as an internet box, nothing more. Solitaire won't open - internet must be down. My screen says 'fatal error' - internet must be down. My computer keeps freezing up - what's wrong with the damned inner-net. The tower is smoking and my monitor won't turn on - must be an internet outage. I don't entirely blame the customer for their complete ignorance, Bill Gates has made computers so popular that everyone thinks they should have one. You may say to yourself, "But Nickhead, if it weren't for Bill Gates and Windows, the internet would not be half of what it is today, and you wouldn't even have a job." Shut up. I hate it when you're right.