Winkler's Troubles - Part II

Here is Winkler's Troubles - Part I.  Read it first, duh.

13 hours later.  Axl  awakens in a dark room with sunlight cracking through dirty curtains above his head.  He’s lying on a couch that smells like balls and Febreeze.  

“Hank? Henry? Fonzarelli?”

“Auuughh. AUUUGHH!”

“FrankenHank?”

“Aaaa.  Aaaxel.  Is that you?”

“Yes!  Where are you Fonzy!?”

“Down .. down here.”

Axl looked down to find Henry Winkler on the floor hopelessly intertwined with what appeared to be three vagrant hookers.

Winkler said, “Axl, listen closely.  I’m going to need you to move Unicorn’s leg.  Just move it enough so that I can wiggle ‘little fonz’ out of danger.”

“Unicorn?”

“Yes, this is Unicorn and her two partners, Fairydust and Joan.”

“Joan?”

“God damn it, Axl, she was filling in for the Ice Queen, can we please move on!?”

Axl slowly grabbed Unicorn’s ankle and began to slide her leg off the Fonz when she suddenly awakened and leapt up.

“Holy shit you’re Axl Rose!   AAAAAHHHHHHH!”

Unicorn jumped at Axl .  He quickly moved to his left and Unicorn flew by, breaking through the window behind the couch and falling 4 stories to the ground.

THUMP.

Axl turned and looked out through the shattered window.

“Oooh fuck.  Oh fuck. Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck.”

KA-SLAP!!

“Control yourself, Axl!”  Winkler said. “We need to get out of here.”

“Dude, that girl just..”

“I know!  We can’t worry about that right now.  We have to get out of here, NOW.”

Henry Winkler grabbed his pants and a half empty bottle of Crown Royal from the coffee table.  He looked at Fairydust and Joan who were both still completely unaware in a drug and alcohol induced sleep.

“Come on, Axl, you hungry?  I’m pretty sure Denny’s is always open.”

"No man, I'm not hungry!  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? DENNY'S!?  This girl just died, man!"

"Look, Axl. A little saying that sums up rolling with the Fonz that you can take to heart. If you ain't gettin' me drugs or givin' me head, then you're worthless as fuck so might as well be dead."

Axl nodded and agreed to go for a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's, but now knew this chance encounter with Henry Winkler had become his waking nightmare. Was there any chance he could survive this lunatic?

Winkler's Troubles - Part III coming soon

Wiiiii

I have been sloppily trying to put music together for a long time. This is the easiest creation that has ever been produced from my inner bowel. Or soul. Or whatevs. I will probably be the only one to view this but it makes me feel accomplished and I like the music. And I fuckin made it bitch!

The Diary of Professor Twizzlenips - Second Entry

For those of you unfamiliar with the first entry (and why should you be, it was in 2005), I have included the First Entry from our beloved professor.

First Entry

Alas, it was time. Blessed with the speed of a ninja and the cunning of a ninja fox, the squirrel was ready. Was it time? No. It was not. In preparation for his mission the squirrel had mated, and mated well. Why? The answer is within. Within the squirrel. So the raccoon tore apart said squirrel to find the answer. But he found only the inside of the squirrel. Alas, is it time? Still it is not. Fuck.

In time you find that nothing is found in time. The clock plays games. Not regular games but games none the less. Remember that we are dealing with time, not just cards or dice. Dice and cards once embarked on a remarkable journey. Unfortunately dice's credit card was completely maxed out. Cards was disappointed.

The journey lasted until the end. Upon the end the deeds of ninja squirrel, raccoon, clock, time, dice and cards were never to be mentioned. This is why I will never tell of said deeds. But I will reveal this. Said deeds involved a midget. I have revealed too much.

Second Entry

And so it was written. Written by the sea and wind, and as the wind blows so goes the pelican. The pelican blows. Blows all his cash on exotic dancers and now has only enough for one pair of pelican briefs. After all, what are we but what we are except for who we hope to be and who we fear we will become, after all.

Driving Down to Dixieland. A song remembered in the sun on the sand. Seeing my dearest too drunk to stand. She had an affair with a one man band. Now I sit with my head in my hands. This turned out quite dark, that wasn't the plan.

As the old saying goes, what goes around comes around. Around to where you may ask. But you should not. For when the lightning descends upon the river's bank, all shit hell breaks loose.

Subway

I've decided to take the bull by the horns and quit spinning my wheels. I've decided to answer my true calling as an artist and have been submitting my own hand crafted billboard ads to well known companies. This was my latest to Subway. Waiting to hear from them with my fingers crossed!

songs!

It's been a long time. But let me shine. I've had some wine. Trees are sometimes pine.












Coming soon....

Shitlips McMahon!!

A Pictorial Poop Humor Story - You're Welcome

This may, or may not, have taken place years ago. Picture me, in a car, driving to a job interview in the late afternoon after a tremendously tremendous lunch at the local Taco Bell a few hours previous. Don't forget I like to bury my Gorditas under waves of Fire sauce. Pay no attention to the elliptical machine in the background, I am on a low budget and I would appreciate it if you would get off my back already. Enjoy, bastards!

OH YEAH! Electric Avenue, I love this song. Eddie Grant is completely underrated. I'm gonna totally kill it at this job interview.

Oops! I farted.

Wait a sec. That doesn't feel or smell like a fart.

Oh no. Please tell me it's just one of those hot farts you get after eating buffalo wings at the Longbranch.

No... no I'm pretty sure I feel moisture down there.

AAAAAAAH! I SHIT MY PANTS!

Those fuckers at Taco Bell. What the hell kind of meat do they use anyway, an even mix of raccoon ass and sewer rat? Good lord, why did I use so much Fire sauce?

I feel so stupid.

Why did this have to happen now? I need this job and they most certainly won't hire the guy with the poopy khakis.

Why God why! Is this because I licked that dog's butt at that party last weekend? I swear he didn't mind. Plus I really needed the money.

But wait! I have that extra pair of corduroys in my trunk just in case I happen to shit my pants! I'll just pull into this conveniently placed convenience store and.... oh no, here comes the shit storm that's been brewing, and she's coming full force.. but I'm almost there... got the bathroom door open...

Oh sweet merciful Jesus.

Now, I just need wipe off my back and change my pants and I'll be on my way to employment! Meet your new pizza maker, Pizza Hut!

I love happy endings.

Winkler's Troubles - Part 1

Axl awoke restless and damp. He had experienced his fill of Henry Winkler's bullshit antics and it was time to part ways. They had met just two weeks ago in Des Moines, IA. Winkler was promoting his new book, "Afternoons with the Fonz" while Axl Rose had been in town for a vocal cord tightening by world renowned vocal surgeon Ashley Hinson. Winkler and Rose met two weeks earlier at 9AM in the hotel lobby of the Holiday Inn. Axl had been studying himself in the reflective glass and when turning around had bumped into Winkler, spilling the Fonz's rum and coke all over the cream colored "U of I dept. of Drama" sweater. Axl started to apologize, and then recognizing Mr. Winkler, said "Oh shit! The Fonz! I am so sorry man, I didn't even see you there. Hey, is that Bacardi I smell? Isn't it a bit early to be hittin' the bottle my man?" Winkler scanned slowly down and then back up Axl's body. Barely containing his rage, Winkler stared Axl directly in the eyes and said through clenched teeth, "Out of my way you smelly nut sack." Neither of them knew this was the beginning of a two week adventure that they would never forget, but, in the end, wished that they could.

Axl was shocked at Winkler's rudeness and stank-assed breath. "Look, let's start over. I'm Axl Rose of the band Guns and Roses, I've been a fan of yours for years. Your performance in Water Boy was breathtaking." Always a glutton for ass kissing, Winkler broke into a huge smile, put his thumb up and said "Aaaay. Sorry about being short with you Mr. Rose, may I call you Axl?"

"Hell yes."

"Ok then, Axl. I apologize, this book tour has really taken it's toll on my patience. I've heard your new album by the way, and I think it's fantastic. Although I have to admit, with 14 years and an unlimited budget, my cat Mr. Jenkins could have probably produced a decent rock album."

"Oh. Well.. thanks?"

"Anyway, enough about you. Let's go hit the town and find some trashy broads!"

"It's not even 10AM Mr. Winkler. May I call you Henry, or Hank?"

"No. Listen, I don't care what time it is. I realize the bars aren't going to be any fun right now you idiot. Let's get a couple bottles of Jeager and drive around Des Moines. Come on, there has to be some action somewhere in this town. Now lets go, pussy."

Axl was torn. He had been sober for years, but the idea of getting ripped with the Fonz on a road trip was just too tempting.

"Alright Mr. Winkler. I'm in."

"That's what I'm talking about! I'm gonna go rent a Mustang at Hertz. You go get us some booze and Doral Menthol Lights. Meet me back here at o' eight hundred hours."

"Um, but that was two hours ago."

"Dude whatever! I just heard that on M.A.S.H. once. Lets say one hour."

"Ok Mr. Winkler, one hour."

"Enough with the Mr. Winkler bullshit. Call me Frankenpenis, or DJ Winky."

"How about DJ Fankenpenis."

"You're not funny. Just call me HW."

And so it began. What started out as an innocent agreement to get drunk and drive around in a rental car looking for slutty women would turn into what neither Axl Rose nor DJ Frankenpenis could have ever expected. Soon they would find out what murder really means.

My Year with Danza - post 2

11/16/98 - I looked at Danza knowing full well it was Tony Danza. Danza broke a smile and said "Hey man I'm just fuckin' with ya. Of course I'm Tony Danza. Hey, did you know that when bears hibernate they eat a bunch of twigs and dirt to form a butt plug to prevent shitting in the den?" I looked at Danza and proudly said, "Yes, I knew that." Danza looked suprized and impressed. "Hey, whaddoyasay we go buy a case of whole milk and drink it." I said, "I don't like whole milk." Danza was disgusted. He looked me up and down and said, "Pussy", and walked away. Little did I know I would see Danza again soon, and he would have to thank me for saving his life.